Climbing Mountains

WOW! ... It has been over a year since I have done an entry. I hope that doesn't mean that I have been too busy to appreciate the CPM's in my life. I think it is just more a matter of being so busy that I haven't taken time to acknowledge them in this forum because it is certainly the overwhelming CPM's that have helped me through this past year. As most of my family and close friends will know there have been some larger than normal Everest mountains to climb for all of us this past year - health, deaths, personal, relationships, etc. Some mountains seemed impassable but the one thing I have learned is that all it takes is reaching out and asking to hold someone's hand so you have a friend beside you as you make that journey. The first half of the year I was the one asking for help as I found myself in some pretty dark valleys .. so thank you to those loved ones who helped me get to the other side. Somewhere along the way my footing became more stable and I think I became a more seasoned mountaineer as the latter half of 2012 has found the shoe to be on the other foot ... and I have been the one stretching out my hand to friends and family. I am so grateful to have had the support of loved ones there when I needed them ... but I am even more grateful that I have been able to return the love and be the one to give the hugs, the words of encouragement, the emotional and physical support when asked. Helping others has certainly put all of my previous personal woes and concerns not just on a back burner .. but practically extinguished the memory of them. They have become just that .. vague memories. A genuine hug and a listening ear may be the only help I can offer at times... but I know its value is immeasurable.... and this past week I have done my fair share of hugging! My Chocolate Pudding Moment for today .. is having these few minutes to myself, after months of climbing mountains, to acknowledge and appreciate the value of our loved ones and our communities especially when the road ahead seems blocked by an Everest. Climbing mountains is a daunting and exhausting task .. but reaching the top, seeing the view below and the sense of accomplishment makes the journey all worthwhile.

Square One - A Full Circle

I never saw it coming but recent life actions have taken me in a full circle .. or back to square one as some would say.

Circle, square, triangle - I don't care what you call it but there's no denying that our lives are shaped - shaped by our decisions, our attitude, our actions - and also by the decisions, attitude and actions of others.

My son is now back with me full time because of choices he made - and subsequently choices and decisions that his father made - to which I was a spectator on the side having to go with the programme.

The irony is, when I look back at my past entries of how hard it was to step back and let my son "go" when we made the decision for him to spend more time living with his dad and how much I struggled with being alone and no longer having to do the daily "mum" jobs, that it was at that point - the point when I finally found ways to fulfill those alone moments and to enjoy my "me" time - that my son came back to me full time and the ME moments had to be put on hold.

At first I thought it was very unfair that a decision was made by others to which, under the circumstances, I had to just go along and accept it and readjust my life once again. It was unfair because I was being sent back to square one - full time motherhood with no time for me. It was so unfair because I had finally found time for doing things I enjoyed.

However, after that first week of back to early mornings, lunchboxes, sit down dinners and ironing uniforms I felt an utter satisfaction of "this is my life". I had come full circle to the place I had been at before but this time with a greater appreciation for my role as a mother. I had missed the simple daily activities of mumhood and interactions with my son.

As I had acknowledged in one of my earlier entries "Who Am I" - I will always define myself as MUM. The only difference was I was holding a job title for a post that had been made redundant ... but now I am re-employed.

The beauty of this circular journey is that I actually learned a thing or two along the way because I had listened to the lessons that I discovered - "Let It Be" and "Believe". I had learned to step back and trust in others. I had resigned to having absolute control and had accepted that sometimes we can't do everything on our own. I had learned to ask for help. I had learned to accept the help of others.
I had also learned how to enjoy myself outside of my role as a mother.
These Life Lessons taught me how to be a better mother.

My patience has returned. I am better able to handle the challenging situations and realize that I do have the strength to cope. I have also learned that if it gets too tough I have to admit it. However, one of the best things that I learned is not to lose myself. Yes, my personal time is extremely limited once again - but I had a taste of it and I didn't want to lose it - so I make sure that I find ways to incorporate those little enjoyments into my routine as a mum - such as time with my friends going to an exercise class or swim at the community pool. I have found that the times when I feel least like going to an exercise class because I am overtired, stressed and have a mountain of laundry to climb is the time that I need to do it most.

The act of putting my needs first is rewarding. As I explained to one of my friends the exercise classes or swims become rewarding on multiple levels - we have something to look forward to before we go, when we are there we feel the physical and mental benefits associated with exercise, and when we leave we have a personal sense of accomplishment that carries us through to the next class.

It took being alone to discover this.

I would have stayed stuck in my "poor me" rut had my son not gone to live with his dad but now instead of saying "poor me" as I try to juggle a full time job and motherhood on a single income - I have discovered that pockets of "Yeah Me" goes a long way in keeping the daily ugh stuff in balance.

"Yeah Me!" - I am so lucky. My life is a heaping bowl of Chocolate Pudding. I have my son back with me - which is a role I cherish but along the way I have discovered 'me' joys that now help keep my life balanced.

Yes, I am back to Square One but by going Full Circle and finding my way to that first stepping stone I have been given a second chance. How wonderful to be given an opportunity to go back in time and start that journey all over again but with an ounce more of Wisdom, Patience, Courage and Serenity.

So the Lesson I have learned is that sometimes what may seem like a step backwards - a return to square one - going full circle ... is in fact a positive thing ... it is a chance to do it all over again but this time BETTER!

CPM to you today.
x
Sun

Lifting Spirits

It doesn't take much to lift the spirit of another person but its effects are far reaching. It may only be a smile to a stranger on a bench, really listening to the never ending story of a chatty child ... or forgiving a teenager (when they least expect it) for messing up .. again!

Recently I started filling my free time with rediscovering enjoyable activities such as reading, writing and painting .. and I even joined a Zumba class! I felt like I was 20 again :) It brought me so much joy to finish another book or to learn a new dance step .. doing things for me!!! I wasn't use to that concept. But what was more rewarding was to hear the appreciation and joy I brought to others - from sending a simple post card or hand written letter, spending time for a cup of tea or turning a brown paper bag into a trick or treat master piece with my 5 year old nephew.

Little things ... small actions and words that lift the spirits of others .. but in turn give me that warm sense of chocolate pudding moment satisfaction.

I have been so kindly and wonderfully blessed by others .. I know I may not be able to pass on the kindnesses financially or materialistically but I know that I can show my gratitude by passing on the same spirit of kindness in my every day living.

Here's to savouring those Chocolate Pudding Moments in your day .. and then remembering to pass them on to lift the spirits of those around you.

Chillin' and Glowworms

There is something to be said for doing absolutely nothing .. otherwise known as chillin' ....
We get so caught up in the busyness of trying to catch up with friends, help out family, juggle jobs and responsibilites that we often forget that it is totally okay to just do nothing - to be still and quiet - to not talk on the phone, to text for hours or go on facebook or watch tv .. but to just sit and stare at the space around us ... to look out to the ocean or to lie under a tree and stare up at the sky.
It is okay just to be.

In Bermuda there is a phenomena that is known as the Glowworms ... 3 nights after the full moon and 56 minutes after sunset is the peak of this ocean mating ritual that brings swirls and streams of phosphorus to the surface as the glowworms mate and die. This is best seen away from manmade light in dark quiet coves. Tomorrow Monday July 18th is the next date but they have already started.

Watching this clockwork timing by nature is amazing ... and worth making the effort to put down all the gadgets, remotes and media cyber junky distractions and just find a quiet spot near the water's edge to sit and just chill while the Glow Worms perform their show.

Here's to "chillin' " - the best way to beat the summer heat and hoping you can find some time to cherish those moments of awe provided for you free by Mother Nature.

Wisdom

Wisdom is one of those attributes that goes hand in hand with experience.
Usually it is the result of an experience that makes us reflect on our attitude, thoughts, words and actions ... and more often than not that reflection carries a sense of "should have - could have" regrets.
We ponder the things we said and did and wonder what would have happened had we chose a different path or course of action.
Life is full of these daily reminders that our choices are often spontaneous and reactionary.

Life happens and we happen back.

That's where you start understanding why the old adage of "Wisdom comes with Age". As you get older your Life experiences increase, become more far reaching and cross bridges that you never thought possible.

It is so very easy to think you have the answers to others' challenges or problems - but we don't because everyone's walk is different. Even for those who have had similar journeys - the elements of that journey are still very individual - so we can never truly understand or appreciate another person's story - though we can certainly be empathetic.

When we reflect on our own experiences and journeys - it is so easy to rewrite the script in your head as to how you think it should have been.
When Life presents you with a similar script it is amazing how often we forget that we have read this one already and forget the lessons learned when it comes to our own lives but can so readily recognize it in someone else's life and think we have the answers as to how they can rewrite the script to change the ending.



Wisdom is recognizing when you find yourself crossing the same bridge and use your past experience to determine which fork in the road you will choose.
Wisdom is using what you have learned to avoid returning to the same bridges.

Wisdom is understanding that you cannot change the past.
Wisdom is appreciating that the experience was a necessary part of the journey in order for you to learn and figure out the map ahead.
Wisdom is realizing that the journey is different for everyone but that the paths we choose will cross, diverge or join.

Wisdom is thinking before action.
Wisdom is sharing the journey.
Wisdom is humble.

I wish for you enriching experiences to nurture your wisdom.

CPM to you.
sun

"Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann (1872 - 1945)

This is such a beautiful poem. I forgot how much it helped me make it through past challenging times when love seemed to be a fickle notion. On my way to the post office a few days ago, one of my friend's daughters was at the bus stop having just missed her school bus, so I gave her a ride. She pulled out the poem and told me she has to learn it for school - so I had her read it to me while I drove. Hearing it again, I knew I had to post it for others to read because the layered messages are timeless and golden ... just like the sound of silence and the pursuit of happiness.
It speaks volumes to me about living life true.

Enjoy!

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Who Am I?

When you were younger did an adult ever give you that finger wagging eye popping reprimand of "Excuse me missy, just who do you think you are?!" when you may have spoken out of place?
... well, time to answer ..who do you think you are?

Now that my son is spending more nights with his dad I have discovered that I have been tackling the question of "Who am I?".

For the past 15 years I have defined myself as "Mum"....

... and not just to my child as many of my friends know.

Now instead of making supper, packing lunch boxes and ironing school uniforms, my son is with his dad and I find myself challenged to change my school night routines to caring just for me. The first night I just sat and literally stared at a wall (or the interior equivalent on a boat). I had eaten, cleaned up and was in my pjs all by 7pm for the first week... and struggling to stay awake to a normal adult bedtime!

Tonight is the first night of daylight savings and it has helped a little by giving me time to go for a walk. But I dreaded going home to an empty boat and being alone so I walked about twice as long as normal. On my walk I saw a large group of other marina tenants at the local pub sitting outside laughing and chatting. I kept my head down and kept walking as I felt like an outsider....like someone who wasn't invited to the party and is staring through the frosty window feeling ostracized.

I know that is not their faults or intent .. but it is my perception of me because I have spent the past decade and a half defining my life by my role as a parent and have never felt like part of that social setting.

Last night my son was chatting on the phone to his best friend who had gone to a class mate's house to work on a school project .. but it had turned into a social gathering and my son said he could hear them all happy in the background and felt so left out.

I know exactly how he feels.

Is it because we have created an isolated life for ourselves by our lifestyle choices?

Is it because I am single with a child but most of my friends are married with several children and most of my neighbours are just single or without children? I don't know any other mums who I can say are like me ... divorced, single, one teenage son .. self employed and live on a boat. Even without the latter two .. having common traits with friends often is the reason you connect and do shared activities. And for my son, a similar scenario - all of his friends have siblings, live in two income homes, etc, etc ..

My son asked me today how I would describe him over the phone to someone who didn't know him ... I gave my reply (a very lengthy one of course) .. and then asked the same of him. His response was surprisingly flattering - "a hippy chick", "artsy" and another loving description that eludes me at the moment .. but nonetheless, it fascinated me that this was the same child who just a few days ago described me as "annoying". :)

Do we define ourselves by how others perceive us then?
Do we define ourselves by the roles we fulfill?
Do we define ourselves by our relationships with others?
Do we define ourselves by our lifestyle choices or cultural heritage?

I have been referred to by others as my parents' daughter, my siblings' sister, the potter's wife, my son's mum.
I have been called the travel agent, the pottery owner, the boat lady, a Somerset gal, country girl, nature person, goody two shoes, Mother Theresa, environmental activist, revolutionary!!!! ..
People have asked if I am South African, British, Australian, American, etc . because they cannot place my accent or the fact that I am a fair skinned, blue eyed Bermudian.

Why does anyone else really care .. and if I don't know who I am then how can they?

Who we are is not a simple answer because we are complex beings with multifaceted lives. I have to not let myself be pigeon holed, labelled or defined by others.

I have to find the definition of ME in me. ... and me is not the person sitting at the pub laughing nor the loner on the outside looking in ..

For now, the who I am that is most important to me is the Me called Mum.

Who Am I? Just ME .. and that's all I need to be. :)

How do you define YOU?

CPM to you.
cheers
xo ME

Trial by Fire

So I was last seen wallowing in self pity and struggling to find a CPM during a very tough time.
I believe this is what is commonly known as Faith.
My mum used to say "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
She was right .. it is that inexplicable proof that holding on to a belief that it will get better usually becomes evident after the fact .. but until such time you just have Faith that it will.

Such was our story.
I realize that the place I am in now is 10 times better than where I have been for the past 10 years -from an emotional and communicative perspective - especially in my role as a mother and in my views of myself as a divorcee.
However, I also acknowledge, as do others involved in the recent personal challenges we have experienced, that we would realistically not be in this healthier and more manageable position had we not gone through our trial by fire.

Bottom Line - life sucks sometimes and it gets pretty messy, ugly and really hard .. but you can't just walk away.
Like I said before - you reach a point of helplessness and realize that you have to ask for help and let the rest just be.
You have to hold on to Faith. You have to Believe. You have to look for those chocolate pudding moments just to keep you positive.

I would not have wished my challenges on anyone but I am utterly grateful for this Trial by Fire that helped burn away old misconceptions and assumptions and gave birth to our new beginning.

I feel like a new chapter has just been started on my Life Journey .. and one day I will fill you in on the story.

Thanks for letting me share.
Sometimes our CPMs are disguised as challenges and trials .. but when you look back on those times - they have often brought about significant changes that may not have otherwise occured.

Appreciating the tough stuff is just as important as celebrating the obvious rewarding moments.

CPM to you .. and remember if you are experiencing life's challenges - it may just be preparing you for something better.

cheers
sun :)

Let It Be

How do you find a CPM in your day when the bowl seems completely empty and the sides have been licked clean but it wasn't you who got to lick the bowl?

Well those are the times when you need them most.  When Life (as it has a way of doing) kicks you in the butt, frowns on you, dumps you with challenges you never thought imagineable ... it is in those times that you have to BELIEVE that another bowl of pudding will be there when you need it most. 
If you believe in the little things - the cpms - then you will find them.

These past few weeks I think someone must have got their spoon in my bowl and left me just the scrapings on the edge .. but somehow in my darkest hour I was still able to stick my finger in there and get my fair share of the pudding.

This past week I had to make a very difficult decision that brought me to the depths of grief that left me speechless.  I know it is hard to believe that Ms. Chatterbox was speechless but I was -  but not for want of words.  It was the kind of speechless brought about by paralytic grief - the gut kicking, heart tightening, strangled vocal chords type of grief that leaves you struggling for a breath. let alone words, as every inhalation is choked by the sobs trying to escape.  I hope you never experience it.

That said, I resolved to be strong.

Being strong is being able to admit when you are weak.

A coward hides behind self righteousness.
Courage is admitting you may not have the answers, you do not know what to do, and knowing to ask for help.

Living courageously is living with your heart and mind.
A person who lives by heart alone is reactionary.
A person who lives by mind alone is unbending.
A person who lives by heart and mind can better determine how to behave appropriately when challenged, to be empathetic to others, to be non judgemental, to love unconditionally.

My expectations for my evening were thwarted by someone's elses needs and what I thought would be an opportunity for a good heap of chocolate pudding time ended up being a frustratingly empty bowl. 

I decided not to fight the challenge but to approach it lovingly but in a well thought out manner - trying to live by heart and mind. 

I decided to "Let It Be". ....  the song that I have played over and over and over again for the past 5 days.
The version I have of this popular Beetle's song is the spiritual from the modern film that brings me to tears every time I hear it.... but this time it wasn't just the tune and the voices .. I actually listened and personalized the lyrics.
"... in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom 'let it be, let it be' ....
... and in my darkest hour she is standing right in front of me whispering words of wisdom 'let it be, let it be'.."

When Life is at its lowest point you have to just resign yourself to a degree of acceptance - or as I often say .. It is what it is .. so just deal with it....or in Mother Mary's words (or the Beetle's) - "Let It Be". 

I had to accept that I am at this time, this place, this moment for a reason .. and if I LET IT BE then I am part of the solution not a conflict in the situation.

Letting the situation be what it is now is not what I would have chosen or foreseen in my life .. but it is and so I am dealing with it.  Acceptance is the name of that stepping stone.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

However, sometimes it takes courage to admit that there are things we cannot change.
It takes courage to accept that there are things we cannot change.
It takes courage to ask for others to help us change the things that need to be changed.

My CPM this week was finding the Serenity to Let It Be, the Courage to be weak and the Wisdom to live by heart and mind.

When you are feeling like you can't go on, that your bowl is empty, that it is your darkest hour .. it is okay to accept .. it is okay to be weak .. it is okay to Let It Be. 

CPM to you.
x sun

The Chicken and the Gale

I saw something for the first time ever today .. and it wasn't a pretty sight .. a mother hen and her very young brood were trying to seek shelter from the gale force winds and half of the chicks were being blown like tumbleweeds, head over heels uncontrollably (do chickens have heels?). The last of the group couldn't catch up and I would guess was getting pretty disorientated from the experience. I couldn't just watch so I got out of my car and into the stinging rain to scoop him up and take him to his mother. Shortly after, a friend and I got out of the car to experience the awesome power of the wind at the top of Whale Bay cliff. We kept getting blown backwards .. and though we weren't tumbled in somersaults like the little chick .. the experience was similar in that the wind kept driving us from our destination and we were powerless in its presence.

Mother Nature is all encompassing .. from the mighty wind and waves to the tiniest newborn chick braving the elements. We are just like that little chick in the incessant storm - powerless to forces greater than us .. so why do humans continue to think that they are so superior?

The View in the Mirror

Earlier this week I found myself humming a familiar tune from childhood from a hippy sounding spiritual for which I can barely remember any lyrics ... but the meaning of which I obviously grasped as a child for it to have stuck with me for so long.  The few bits I remember (and please enlighten me if you know the real words!) .. was something like "take the hand of the man that stilled the waters, take a walk with the man that calmed the seas ...la la la ...  take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently ... la la la "(la la la being I think there are other lyrics but I don't remember!).

Well - long story short .. it was the last phrase that stuck with me ... again .. not sure if I had the words exact .. but it was the meaning of it that was of more importance than anything ...
"Take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently" ....
(No I am not referring to Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror song)

But it is about the view in the mirror.

After a challenging month (have I had any that haven't been I begin to ask myself !) ... but this time a challenging month in respect to personal relationships ... I have started looking inward with a lot more conviction. 

It is so easy to see the faults of others in situations.
It is so easy to blame others for where we are in life, for the actions we choose, for the opinions we voice.

It is not as easy to see our part in the scenario.

We figure that if others talked to us with more respect, treated us differently, behaved kinder towards us, etc etc etc .... then things would be better.

The reality is, as we all know and I tell myself over and over again ... is that we cannot change other people - we can only change the way we react to them and how we behave in the situations that bring us to a point of questioning.

I have learned with my teen son that just like other relationships in my life .. he is at the point in life where he is trying to exert independence and because of this boundaries in the relationship are being tested. 

I don't like it.

I don't like arguing, I don't like confrontation, I don't like anger, I don't like being disrespected, I don't like belligerence, I don't like being challenged, I don't like hostility, I don't like vindictiveness, I don't like the uckstuff

... and unfortunately I have experienced a big heap of this lately - but not just from my teen but from other adults

soooooo - How Do You Deal with The UckStuff?

... well - shouting doesn't work
trying to be super strict doesn't work
trying to make them conform to your ways doesn't work
... actually not much of anything if you are taking the approach of trying to stop or change the other person's behaviour

so what can you change? .... only the way you are .. the way you act or react .. the way you talk .. the way you respond  ... the words that you choose .. the actions that you take ... the behaviours that you exemplify

It was time to check out THE VIEW IN THE MIRROR......
and it wasn't pretty! (not just the wrinkles, grey hair and serious bags under the eyes from the stress) ...

I saw a person crippled by fear of confrontation (the reason why is yet to be determined!) ... and depending on the person or scenario would respond to confrontation by getting angry, crying, swearing, accusing .. in essence - behaving inappropriately.

I do not like the person I had become.
I do not like the view in the mirror.

I guess it is equivalent to deciding you need to put on some make up then or dye your hair ... if you don't like what you are seeing you try to change it.

I have been trying.
I have learned to pause when I am verbally attacked .. and not to respond straight away.  I determine if it is worthy of a response - and if so, make it a neutral one.
I have learned to stop and not get sucked into the vortex of anger that occurs when arguing starts.
I have learned to physically walk away.
... emotionally walking away is not as easy .. you just take that little parcel of everything you are feeling along with you and go somewhere else to open the package and deal with the contents of emotions away from the person that has helped fill your package....

I left my son a 5 page letter - which of course he did not read and instead scribbled over the front page "Don't Care"  - as a way of addressing my concerns with him about certain behaviours.
He may not have read it but it helped solidify in my mind how I was going to deal with these new behaviours and situations.
... I outlined how I felt
... I addressed my areas of concern
... I acknowledged the behaviours I see as inappropriate
... I explained that I don't like arguing and confrontation so I have decided I will walk away instead of getting pulled into a battle
... I reassured him that I am walking away from the situation .. and not from him
... I reiterated that just because I am choosing not to show anger over certain actions - does not mean I condone the action or behaviour
... I expressed how important it is to uphold respect
... I told him that I love him

and in everything he does I have to continue to love him because any less would mean that the bond of unconditional love a parent has for their child has been frayed and I wouldn't want that bond to tear ...

In regards to the adults in my life .. I am working on understanding what is it that I fear in certain relationships that cause me to behave in certain ways - servile, self destructive, childlike, explosive,etc. ...
and in the meantime I am learning to say what I have to say ... but at the same time choosing my words wisely so as they are said in a loving manner and not out of anger or spite ... but to still speak my mind with fortitude, courage and conviction.
I want my words to reflect a positive action and not a negative reaction.

I need to BELIEVE IN ME.
.. to believe in the choices I make, to believe in the actions that I take, to believe in the standards by which I live
If I believe in myself - then I will be making healthier choices and can change who I am in confrontational or challenging situations.  By changing me I change the dynamics of the situation.  If a person is used to me responding in a certain way - they will be thrown off when I no longer take that route. 

For example, one person I have known for many years often says I am always arguing because I always have a response to the criticisms metered out to me ... no matter in what tone I reply - even if laughing at myself I am still labled as arguing if I have a response.  I questioned them as to why I can't have an opinion and why if I have a response or reply is it considered arguing.  I was then told "See, you are arguing" ...  I can't change that person's perception of me or the fact that they don't want to hear my opinions ... but I can change the situation. 

I had a real AHA moment a few weeks ago when that person made an accusatory comment and I was engrossed in my work and didn't respond at all .. yet, their attack was quickly followed by "I don't want to argue with you about it!".  I realized that they always expect a response from me .. which they interpret as arguing.  Even when I didn't respond they were prepared for an argument to ensue.  I had to laugh as I hadn't said a word, yet I was perceived as arguing. 
I now realize that the best way to deal with this kind of situation is in fact to say or do nothing.
How quickly it diffuses the "argument".

This doesn't mean I accept their accusations, behaviours or disrespect. 
I have enough confidence and conviction in my beliefs that it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't agree.
I have put out the flame on the end of my fuse and will only light in when necessary. 

Walking away from vitriolic situations and behaviours and going to that mirror helps put the whole thing in perspective.
I can see myself in that mirror (though often through blurry teary eyes because of the hurt or anger) ..  and decide what I want to see. 
Will I be a victim, a reactionary, a monster mom or will I choose to wipe away the tears and splash some cold water reality on my face and realize the situation for what it is ... and then deal with it appropriately.

Looking in the mirror ( not literally  - but sometimes that helps) ... is what we need to do each time we feel that downward pull on our emotions.

Look at yourself and then you will look at others differently.
Instead of seeing a belligerent teen that you wish would go away .. you will see a child crying out for attention and struggling with the angst of change.
Instead of seeing a confrontational person as someone to be feared ... you will see an opportunity for personal courage.
Instead of seeing a 'friend' as a user because they only come to you when they need something ... you can   realize that you set the boundaries in your relationship - not them  - when you just say 'no'.

I think I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks because of the overabundance of challenging situations I have encountered in various relationships - my son, my friends, my coworkers.
Hard to believe that I have seen all of this and I only have a tiny mirror in a very dim lit bathroom - which is a good thing because I don't see the wrinkles and grey as easily! ... but that's another story.

"Take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently." Easier said then done.  Taking that moment of self reflection before you get pulled into a situation is important.  Look at yourself - and determine - who do I need to be, want to be, want to see .. at this moment .. do this before you look at the other person and the dynamics of the situation and relationship will change. 

They say practice makes perfect ... I have been practising all week and am far from perfect.  I think I have had my share of practice sessions for a while and am willing to go back to humdrum norm without any personal tests please.  ... but at least I feel a little bit better that should a pop quiz be sprung on me for which I am unprepared .. that the practice I have had will give me the tools I need to face the challenge.

My CPM for you is that you will see the challenges in your life as opportunities to look in the mirror.
I hope, like me, you will start to appreciate the person that you see. :)

CPM to you. 
Cheers xo Sun

Memories and Daisies

Well ..I apologize, I have been AWOL from my blog because Life just got busy!
It happens.

Today was my first day off work (other than Christmas Day ) in 6 weeks and my sister pulled me away from the dreaded home chores and so, along with my other sister's daughter, we had a girls' day of just exploring, driving, chatting and laughing.
We drove from one end of the island to the other and back again visiting childhood memories.

Towards the end of the day, I picked wild daisies in the old cemetery with my niece which we placed on the graves of her great grandparents as well as on the one of her great, great grandparents. I explained that my paternal grandmother died the day after her husband from heartache - Jan 4th and 5th, 1973 - a time long before she can ever conceive of .. but the profoundness of such a tragic love story I am sure will stay with her forever. We took some pictures of the inscriptions and flowers and created a moment for her to remember.

As we drove around old haunts and familiar places my niece reminisced about the various spots where we used to take the children to ride bicycles, or go for nature walks ... and even though she is only 14, I realized that as she spoke, what to me seemed like yesterday's memories to her seemed like a life time ago, as she grasped at vague memories of a time past.

Her memories WERE a lifetime ago .. the things we did when she was 4 would have been at a time when memories start cementing and as we age we find it harder to grasp recollections prior to that time.

I so cherish the times I spend with my son, my niece and my nephew but when I say "do you remember" they often have no recollection because the memory has not been given an opportunity to become a memory.

I realized that with children, as with adults, the importance of revisiting the places of our memories in order to help them stay with us longer.   Just like revision work for a test or reciting a script of a play - repetition, revisiting, recalling, reminding are all necessary tools to help us remember our past lives. 

How often have you struggled to complete a childhood memory or to recall the details of a special occasion that you thought you would never forget?

If you don't revisit those memories - they will fade.

If you don't pass on the family stories, then who will remember them?

If you don't have photos of those who have left us, how we will connect an image to a name? 

Family time, family history, family memories are so important.

I don't want to forget but sometimes age has a say in that matter so I use the tools now to create the memories for tomorrow when at some point they might be harder to retrieve.

I keep photos and a family memory album with photos of my parents, grandparents and great grandparents. 

These are people that I want the next generation to remember by face - not just a name on a tombstone.
I want them to be remembered by who they were and the lives they lived.

Before my maternal grandfather died, I visited him in Scotland and spent days just visiting with him, talking and writing down everything he told me .. every memory and every detail .. most of which were of his 4 years as a POW in a German Concentration camp during WWII.  He had been reported as dead but my Nana never gave up waiting for him to return.  Thankfully he did so as I could have the chance of knowing my grandparents and recording a little bit of their lives ... to pass on to the next generation.

I have also kept journals for most of my life - many of my entries addressed to my son in the hopes that one day he will read them and understand the path we have walked together.

They are also an important tool for me as I go back and digest the pages of more challenging and fearful periods in my life as well as rediscovering the past joyous occasions.  These are benchmarks by which I can now understand my present life. They provide me with a better sense of who I am now and who I want to be in my future life by revisiting the me I once was.

One day when my life is over, perhaps my memories - all the journals and the photos, the movies and the stories  - will just be packed in a bag and trashed as unfortunately was done with most of my granddad's photos.  It would sadden me to think that the memories I valued would seem insignificant to others.

However, I believe I have instilled enough of an interest in my niece, and hopefully in my son, in the family that has come before us for them to hold and to pass on the memories that I cherish and value.

I often worry that if we don't pass on these memories that those that have gone will be forgot?

My best friend's father has reached a point in his life of deterioration, physically and mentally, and it is an upsetting thing to witness.  It makes you realize that the threshold between Life and Death is such a narrow step. It is in such times when you realize the clock is ticking fast that the urgency to revisit and remember the past becomes more prevalent.

Why do we wait until the final hours?
Memories are special gifts that should be shared daily.

If you have a memory of a loved one - whether a relative or a friend - older or younger -  don't keep it to yourself. Share it with them now - they may have been trying to complete that puzzle for awhile and your sharing has given them the final piece. 

Memories are not to be kept in a box only to be pulled out when it is too late and the person is pushing up daisies. 
Memories are the bond that connect us.

My CPM today was creating memory time with my sister and niece. 
We may not have the same memory of this day in a few years - but at least it was one that we shared... and so when we  remember it .. each one will bring their piece of the puzzle to completing the memory.

If you need to find ways to help you remember - you should.
If it is worth remembering - you will.

It's your only Life.
Live It.
Remember It.
Cherish It.
Share It.

.... and hopefully, one day that shared memory will be remembered ... and then cherished .. and shared .. and once again the memory will be passed on.....

CPM to you.
:)  Sun

A Minute Vacation

Serenity is that feeling you get when everything in the world feels just right.

That was yesterday morning - sitting in the cockpit of Alibi with a cup of tea in my hands and the sunshine on my face.  I tried to empty my mind of thoughts and just "be" ... which I know may sound corny or meditative ..but it wasn't the intent.  It is just that I think too much and talk too much and sometimes even I need a break from my incessant internal chatter. 

So I closed my eyes and tried to just listen to the sounds ... the wind in the palms, the birds, the lapping water ...  to just listen without commentary.  It isn't easy at all!

Yes .. the rest of the world seemed quiet around me other than the occasional bus passing by ... but it was the chatter in my head that makes the most noise. 

We complain about the constant noise of machines, music, tv, vehicles, etc ...   but our lives are filled with other noises too.... calming and appreciative sounds of birds, wind, ocean - nature ... and the silent noise of internal chatter.

I made a very concentrated effort just to listen. 
I tried to focus on one sound at a time.
I tried to make myself aware of only the sounds of nature.
I tried to stop the talking in my head.

I tried but that little internal voice kept chatting the whole time .. like a director from the sidelines of a play "Just listen to the birds" .. and I would try to listen to the birds .. "Oh, wait I hear a bus coming, no don't focus on the bus, focus on the wind in the trees. Why can't I hear just that one sound, I keep hearing the others creep in.  Stop thinking!" 

I believe it was an impossible task!

Not only are the majority of us blessed with the sense of hearing but we also have an internal voice that wants to be heard too. 

I wonder if our internal voices are a reflection of our external selves?  Do chatter boxes like me have endless internal conversations that never have answers while others who are quieter in person have less of the internal as well?  We will probably never know!

Silence may never be fully acheivable until Life is over ... so for that we should appreciate the moments of quietude that bring us Serenity but also for the chatter in our heads that lets us know we are still alive and cognizant of our surroundings.

It is in the moments of Serenity that we can in fact best hear ourselves.

Often we listen to everyone else's advice, opinions, directions and guidance.   How often do you just sit down with your own self and just listen to that person who knows you best ..  you!

Listen to yourself.  It is easier done in times of quiet (since Silence seems an impossibility).

You will be surprised at how Serenity starts to seep in.

My mum called to wish a Happy Christmas during that brief period that I was enjoying the sunshine and quiet.  She asked what I received for Christmas.  With only the one day off  for the holidays ... it was without question the sunshine and beautiful weather that was the best gift of all after a month of gales, hail and rain.  A respite from nature's chill and howling winds that had made a few rough months of boat living.

I had awoken to a still and quiet morning ... no clanking halyards on masts, no howling winds in rigging, no icy hail on deck ... it was a wonderful gift to be able to sit outdoors in the sunshine and silence and sip my tea.  It was nice to have a visit with me ....   to have "me time" .... or as my mum and I call it . "a minute vacation".

I wish for you moments of Serenity and plenty of "minute vacations".
CPM to you.
:) Sun

Cassava Pieless

Well, this year I ran out of time and energy and there won't be any cassava pie to eat or share.  Cassave Pie is a traditional Bermudian dish served at Christmas made from the root of the cassava or yucca plant.  The grated root is moist and acts in a similar way to corn meal.  It is mixed with eggs, sugar, butter and nutmeg and forms a cakey moist bread that is usually filled with a thin layer of pork and chicken.  I have always made mine without meat and for the most part have adapted my mum's recipe that was handed down to her in 1967 by a family friend.  I have passed on the tradition of making the cassava to my 13 year old neice and I always look forward to our time together baking this and other Christmas treats. 

With the onset of an ughy cold and with storm force winds rocking the boat .. baking is the last thing I feel like doing. It is also a very costly dish - with the cassava only coming in 5lb bags .. and the recipe requiring more than a dozen eggs .. of which I only tend to eat a few slices and that's me done for the year.  The rest I share and give to family and friends .. quite honestly .. it's not a cost I can afford this year.   I would be happy to eat it if someone else would make it for a change ... but I have a feeling we will have to go without.

I felt a tinge of sadness at the failure to maintain that final tradition to which I was clinging (since my son no longer wants to do the late night drive to look at lights or watch Frosty the Snowman with me!)... . but that was over in a nano second and I have put it in its place.

Traditions are wonderful activities that honour our culture and our past and should definitely be carried on, passed on and encouraged ... but when we become slaves to our traditions and think we cannot enjoy an occasion without upholding the things we have done in the past .. then the purpose of the tradition is lost.

Some folks tend to focus so much on the details that they lose the sense, purpose or spirit of an occasion.

Surely Christmas should not be worrying about if it is in fact the exact date of Christ's birth ... or how did St. Nicholas (Santa Claus) become entwined with a Christian celebration .. or what other non religious activities have become part of the season. 

Christmas is about honouring whatever this time of year means to you and your family.
If your roots are spiritual then you will find peace in honouring your religion or faith.  If the season is a time for family .. then you will seek out traditions or activities that remind you of past times shared to reignite that sense of togetherness.

Unfortunately this Christmas a lot of families will have their traditions, their expectations and their hopes put on hold this holiday for various reasons ... many are stranded in foreign cities and airports throughout Europe because of flight cancellations.... others are not in the economic position they once were to give as freely as they would like .. yet others are struggling with the death or illness of loved ones.

In the big picture of things ... if the cassava doesn't get made, if there is no Christmas tree this year, if I didn't get a chance to send out Christmas cards to friends and family ... really .. it is not worth being upset over! In the big picture of things .. so what!!!
My son will be with me on Christmas day - which wasn't expected a month ago when there were plans for him to spend the holidays with his father in Europe.  For that I am grateful .. and that is my CPM today knowing that my son is home safe with me and not stuck enroute for Christmas.

I am grateful to have family to share a meal with this holiday. .... even if there won't be cassave on the plate!

 May traditions fill your season as they should and not be the centre of its purpose.  Value them for what they are .. then put them in their place.  Look at the big picture .. not the little mosaic pieces that you have always counted on to make the image.

Wishing you a Christmas season with enough CPMs to keep you focused on the big picture!
:) sun

Life's Timing: The Gift of Giving

Tonight I dropped off my neice at home and my son decided to stay and visit, then had to get fuel in the car, drop off an extra cheque to the post office as they had forgot to include one of my packages in my shipping payment .. then stopped to drop off a package to a friend and ended up chatting for a bit ....  finally enroute home an hour after I normally would have been snuggled in on what for us has been a very, very cold day.  Happy to be getting home and ready for a much needed cup of tea .. I approached the gate to our dock with my usual load of bags of groceries and clean laundry while fumbling for the key to unlock the gate.  At the gate I noticed something on the ground .. then realized it was a person!
It took a second for me to register what I was seeing .. and unsure if the still body was even alive.

It was one of my elderly neighbours - he had fallen, tripped ... we are not sure .. but he was on the ground on his back in the cold dark and I could see no-one else around to help.  I called 911 and then pulled out my clean laundry which conveniently consisted of two large duvet covers and put one under his head and covered him to keep him warm with the other.  Once I knew help was on the way and he was speaking and understanding me, I ran to get his wife.  I stayed with him for over 1/2 hour before help arrived.  No-one knows how long he had been there... he didn't think he had been there long.  Once in the ambulance I could see that he had been bleeding from the head and am glad that I didn't move him but had called for emergency help just to be safe. 

Most of the other neighbours seem to have already been home by the time the ambulance departed and I made my way down the dock to my boat. 

It made me question Life's Timing.

What if I hadn't stopped for gas or had needed to go to the post office .. or chatted with my friend for a little while... then I probably would have already been home like everyone else and been totally oblivious to the situation.  How long would he have remained there motionless on the ground?   If he hadn't been found when he was would his situation have deteriorated in the cold temperature ?  How was it that I happened to have those two large duvet covers in my possession considering they had been sitting in the laundry pile to do for over 2 weeks.

I thought as I was driving home that I would have some free time to myself while my son was visiting his cousin .. but instead spent the evening helping a neighbour .. and wouldn't have had it any other way.  What is it in Life that puts us in places or circumstances just at certain moments that seem so significant?

Just as the ambulance pulled away and I watched to make sure his wife was fine pulling off in her car ... I went below and closed up my boat and at that moment the rain started pelting down.  It had been raining for a good part of the day ... icy needles driven by a relentless wind .. as it is again now, but I realized in retrospect that he couldn't have been there long as he was dry when I found him .. and the whole time I stayed with him until the time he left was over an hour .. yet not a drop of rain during that time!

How does Life time those kind of mini miracles?   It sure does make one think .. and if it doesn't make a believer out of a person .. then it at least should make one realize that Life is a lot more in control of our destiny that we understand. 

There is a purpose to our existence .... for the most part we stumble through Life totally oblivious to that purpose .. or even questioning why and what it is all about.   BUT .. when you have one of those coincidental, unbelievable, Life's Timing moments .... it makes you realize and appreciate that it is not for us to question .. only to Be.   Our existence may be for something as simple as holding the hand of a fallen neighbour, encouraging a child who had a bad day, hugging a retiree that you haven't seen in many years and giving them the gift of human contact, giving directions to a stranger who seems lost, smiling at a homeless person to acknowledge his existence thus giving him a sense of being.

This is often called the Season of Giving.

Giving doesn't have to be wrapped in sparkly paper or coins in a donation box.

Giving can be as simple as a smile, a hug, a listening ear, a word of encouragement.

Giving of yourself is the most generous gift of all. 

If you are in sync with Life's Timing .. you come to realize that there are opportunities for Giving in every day moments. 

I feel fortunate that I was able to be there for my neighbour.  It wasn't my doing .. it was Life's Timing .. but it was an opportunity to give of myself unconditionally.  That was my CPM for today.  Being presented with a situation that awakened my sense of being and purpose.  

I wish for you moments of clarity that help you realize you have a purpose for being. 
I wish for you an opportunity to experience Life's Timing.
I wish for you a chance to offer a CPM to someone else so you may experience the Gift of Giving.

CPM to you.   May you all stay safe and warm this season.
:) sun

Thoughts on motherhood and education

How does one feel inspired to be creative - in my work, in my art, in my writing or in my home life ... when surrounded by challenges that drain you to the very core?

It goes back to finding those CPMs in your life. 

It has been a rough few months, especially with adjusting to my child as a teen.  His challenges become mountains over night that I wish I could make go away like the Boogey Man .. but the difference is his challenges are real .. and Mr. Boogey Man was proven to be non existant. (Unfortunately so was Santa and the Tooth Fairy)

As I explained to my neice, a mother's love is so strong that it physically hurts when your child is suffering or struggling. (or is that only me???) ... When my son or neice are cut and hurt I feel a cramping inside ... when their pain is emotional .. .I feel it in my heart .. that tightness in your chest that makes you want to wail. 
Bandaids don't work for all the boo boos anymore!

I wish we could return to that world of Peter Pan that we lived in for so long .... and pulled everyone else into our fairy tale story life too. My mum always called me the Wendy Bird (from Peter Pan) because as most of the children in my life know, I never want to grow up.  I loathe the boring and serious world of adulthood.  That's why having young children in your life is so enriching and wonderful ... they have yet to leave the world of imagination and pretend ... where we can be silly, have fun, create imaginary landscapes and stories with our minds .. and it is still okay and accepted! Maybe if I prefer to be in that world I need to go back to teaching, have more children .. or perhaps just be admitted!

I don't think I am quite ready for the seriousness of teenage life ... it is far too intense for my liking.  Why do we expect our teens to become so serious about everything - their schooling, their future, their social life and extra curricula activities ...  why can't they spend their free time fishing instead of packing groceries to earn money?  Why can't schools be fun again ... why is it okay to be creative and hands on with the 5 year olds .. but by the time they hit their teens they are expected to put that all behind them and learning becomes about pen and paper? 

No wonder there are so many middle and high school drop outs, failures and lost causes ... because we have forgotten about the child in the teen .. we have forgot how to appeal to the fun side of learning.  We have taken imagination and creativity out of education. 

Unfortunately, I am experiencing this first hand .. with a very creative and artistic child who has been required to fit his round peg learning style into a square hole education system. 
Bermuda is so lacking in vocational learning, trade education, apprenticeship programmes ... and in lieu we are tackling the results of boring our children in the classroom that has sent them to the streets.  The island now has to deal with gangs, violence, illiteracy and poverty .. issues that are so foreign to us (or have we just had our head in the sand and are now addressing what was always there?).  You can't fix the problem by taking away the guns.  That's like punishing your teen by taking away the xbox ..  he just turns to his cell phone or computer as his escape. 

The answer is providing an environment that stimulates and shapes the young people before they ever get to that point.  If you give them creative outlets .. they will become creative.  If you give them opportunities to excel .. then they will excel.  Not everyone is an academic .. some are but still learn in other ways.  Vocational training at the high school level is too late ...Life Skills need to be taught throughout their education. 
So much emphasis is on performance results in math and language that we fail to realize .. test results are often just a matter of using short term memory and churning out the facts that just got put in .... that doesn't reflect what was actually learned.  Learning means being able to apply .. especially in real life situations - not in a test booklet. 

Think back to your childhood.  You will probably realize that your favourite teachers were usually the ones in whose subjects you excelled.  .. and the subjects you enjoyed were also the ones in which you excelled.  It is because you excelled that the subject brought enjoyment.  Nothing like an A grade to build up one's self esteem and make you think you are good at something ... so of course you want to try again .. and keep going ...the satisfaction and feelings of accomplishment is the reward.  If you feel accomplished in one area .. then the positive feelings it evokes will reflect in other areas of your life too ... I know because I was one of those perfectionist children who had to excel to feel good about myself.  If I couldn't get it straight away I didn't want to continue and fail. Being acknowledged for my efforts pushed me to succeed further. 

Yesterday, my son spent the day with me at work at the pottery.  He worked a longer day than the normal school day and he worked hard.  He hasn't shown interest in the pottery in a very long time .. but I kept him on task and learning new skills.  He used math, science and art throughout the day.  These lessons were incorporated into the teaching of the skill .. such as weighing out the raw materials to make glaze, reading the scales, calculating the ratio and percentages of materials, the technical aspect of setting a kiln and the conversion of cone to temperature.  He was filthy and exhausted by the end of the day .. but had thoroughly loved the experience.  He felt valuable.  He had made the new batch of glaze, unpacked kilns, unloaded molds, helped with shipping, etc.  He had been given an opportunity not only to experience valuable life skills, but had a better appreciation of how hard I work at my job to care for him. 

Career Days in the school system are usually once a year .. and as they get older .. sometimes they get a whole week.  I believe that once they reach the teen years that this should be incorporated as part of the regular weekly curriculum.  When I was in my early teens I was already working weekends as a receptionist for a Doctor in the city.  With the current economic climate there aren't even enough jobs available for adults, let alone for our children.  They do not have the same opportunities for weekend or summer jobs as we had. Fortunately I am of the understanding that our two government high schools offer vocational subjects .. but on Tuesday when I go to visit I will find out to what extent.  I hope that they are core elements of the curriculum and not just electives that become once a week subjects - which seems to have become the norm for the arts and any hands on experiential learning subjects.

I am blessed that I had a wonderful old fashioned education that was structured yet balanced and full ...  biology, math, language, literature, art, cooking, sewing, religion, history, geography, Spanish, French, civics, music, phys ed and latin.  I believe classes were shorter and more frequent so as we could experience more subjects from which to learn.  At least with so many subjects on the curriculum one was bound to find something at which they could do well and feel accomplished.

I am on the quest to find that balance for my child ... but added to that is the challenge of finding the right environment for a child with dyslexia.  It has been a very rocky, sob filled road that has wearied me to my soul and taken its toll on relationships.  BUT .. it is for my child .. so no matter what .. you plod on .. and you ask, you call, you cry, you try, you be persistent .. because one day that child will be a man .. and you will have given him a fair shot at surviving this thing called LIFE.

Wishing you a CPM filled weekend.
x sun aka The Weary Mum wannabe Wendy Bird

The Mattress Bank

Have you ever noticed that it seems to be the ones who have the least who are the most giving?

 Perhaps because we know what it feels like to be needy!  Empathy is the best teacher.

Yesterday, I had a few dollars left in my wallet and treated my son and I to some take out food .. I bring my lunch to work every day .. but lately that is a raw potato which I microwave at lunchtime and put a little cheese on top .. but we were out on the road after a doctor's visit and my raw potato was still another hour away.  It was a simple quick meal that cost less than $10 for both of us.  I felt indulgent.  .... especially as we walked past an older, possibly homeless, toothless gentleman on a bench who was obviously in a worst economic situation than we were. 

He asked for any change.  I had none going in .. so he said "perhaps on your way back" .. and I said certainly. 
Well, I had the exact amount for our lunch with no change left. ... but it didn't feel right to walk past him with our food and share nothing .. so I pulled out 4 quarters from my laundry money and gave it to him.  I told him that was my laundry money so to spend it wisely .. at which point we smiled at each other.
I have seen this man many times in my life and he always looked so harsh ... but that toothless smile made my day!

Sharing and generosity are ways to uplift your spirit and make you realize and appreciate that there is always someone needier than you.

When we returned to our car my son raised a valid question ... he wondered if we have a little bit of money .. and have a home and a car .. but owe money .. is the man that sits on the bench with no possessions ..but owing nothing better off than us? 
I have often wondered that question myself! Isn't that the principle behind negative and positive integers? 

How does one get to that point of debt and owing that comes with adulthood?  .. and why does it seem to be so cumulative?  My son and I have determined that the mattress bank is probably the best way to go these days! ...but don't bother looking under my mattress ..  the only thing left in the bank are the rest of the laundry quarters .... and they will be gone tomorrow judging from the size of the laundry hamper mountain.

Yesterday my CPM was sharing a few quarters with a needy homeless man.
Tonight my CPM is finding enough odds and ends in the fridge to feed three hungry teenage boys (two of them unexpected) ... and knowing there is still enough bits and bobs to perhaps make a decent breakfast for them (since they are now sleeping over .. again not planned or expected). 
A close friend once told me that she had described me as the kind of person that if I lived in a cardboard box and a friend needed a place to stay .. I would move over and make room for them.  I sure hope so!

I am fortunate that though the purse may only be chinking together laundry change or the fridge may appear frighteningly empty  .. there is still always enough to share with others.
The understanding and realization of the value of sharing and generosity is my CPM lesson for the day. 

Wishing you the opportunity to share when you think you are least able ... and to feel the reward in doing so.
Wishing you a CPM for this weekend.
:) Sun

Time to Quit?

How does one know when it is time to call it quits?  Usually when you are feeling that you want to quit - then that is not the time to make that decision.  However, the days that you are content with the way things are will not be the day you make that decision either. 

As a single mum that is self employed I always face this mountain as we head into the winter season when sales diminish and my arms don't seem long enough to make the ends meet.  It is times like these that I question if my decisions are the right one. 
Do I take the advice of caring loved ones who suggest I should get a stable job with a regular income? 
Being the free spirit that I am that would mean sacrificing a lifestyle, a long hard earned dream, the passion of being an artist.
The tough times are short lived ... but not everyone is understanding and the bills certainly don't get paid with smiles and hugs.
Would sacrificing this choice and working in a traditional job environment bring financial stability - perhaps, but again in these challenging times even those who had been in well paid and established jobs found themselves being made redundant ... so where is the security in that? At least by being self employed my job is secure as long as I can stay on top of the bills and keep my health. 
I have worked in traditional job settings for others - and the thought of going back to that kills my spirit!
(Not to mention wearing heels would hurt my feet - I love working in flip flops!)

So, am I being an irresponsible parent by pursuing my dream and doing something I enjoy .. something for me ... something creative .. even if it means life is at times a financial struggle? 
I don't think having financial security brings happiness ... but it sure helps ease the stress.

I don't have the answers to this one ... but at least I have the questions ... and I find myself asking the same ones every year at this time ... and then before you know it the season has started all over again and the busy rush has us longing for the quieter days of winter. 

How many years do I keep living in this cycle?

How do I know if it is time to quit and close this chapter of my life?

I waited until I got home to finish this entry ... and I am glad I did.

I needed to determine my Chocolate Pudding Moment for today to help me find a sense of appreciation at a time when I need it most.
My commute is just a matter of a minute by foot from my studio door to the marina in which I live. Meanwhile I know that most of the islanders are still sitting at their office desks or in the slow traffic commute home.

Tonight the water is flat calm and the pink sunset sky is giving the water a purplish tinge.  There is barely a puff of breeze ... it is still and all is quiet and soul soothing.

My son is not home at the moment so there are no questions of supper time or noise of tv or music.

Serenity finds me taking a deep involuntary exhalation and breathing out the concerns of the day.
This is my Chocolate Pudding Moment .... a moment of serenity and reflection.

I may not have the answers to all of my questions ... but at least I know that I have the fortune of options and opportunities. 

Is this the Time to Quit?  I don't know for sure .. but this I do know - Now is not the time to answer that question. 

Wishing you serenity for those challenging days when you question your choices and decisions and all you want to do is quit.

CPM and serenity to you.
sun

Accomplishments

Sometimes it is the little things that give us a sense of accomplishment.... finally getting to the bottom of the ironing pile, getting that hole sewn up in your favourite (or as in my case .. my only) pair of jeans, or going for a brisk walk.
Sometimes it is trying something new that gives us that sense of accomplishment - like tackling the technological challenge of setting up a new blog :)
Sometimes it is attempting something we thought beyond our ability - like crossing the ocean on a sailing vessel.
Sometimes it is tackling a "want to do that someday" project ...

For me that someday project was a today project.
I must have removed more than 4 dozen screws, nuts and bolts in the dismantling of my gimballed alcohol boat stove.  It was a good little stove - but had not been properly mounted by the previous owner and so everytime I needed to refill the alcohol in the burner pans I risked losing my thumbs and fingers.  I had reverted to learning to cook in a toaster oven and use a single burner butane stove .. thus making my cleverly gimballed stove an inconvenient waste of space. 
So ...... I decided last week it had to go.  .. and tonight instead of a stove I have a storage unit.

What a sense of accomplishment in making a decision to do something outside of the scope of my comfort zone, following through and completing the project. 

It is these accomplishments that help to build our self esteem and to realize our potential. 

It is my wish that my teen son can find his own projects, endeavours or niche skills that will give him that sense of accomplishment and purpose that this stage of life so needs.  The fragility of a teen's self esteem waivers precariously between peer and parental approvals.  It takes us back to my previous entry on worthiness.  They put so much value on others' opinions and have not yet learned to value themselves for who they are. 

When my son returned from a school Spirit Day of Outward Bound activities - his sense of pride and worth were soaring due to his accomplishments on the obstacle course.  He challenged his fears and tackled the high wire walk and zip lines.  He was boosted by the comments and approval of his teachers and peers  - but ultimately it was his sense of accomplishment that lead to the realization of his potential and a much needed lift in his self esteem.
The challenge for him, as for many of us, is finding that same sense of accomplishment in the every day activities.

Upon completing my project today I am left with an "I can do anything" attitude and am ready to seek out my next project.  Perhaps I will eventually figure out how to sail this boat!! :)  ... but until then, I will focus on the little daily accomplishments that are necessary to keep me moving forward.

Accomplishments are the stepping stones to success. They are not always smoothly paved or on a straight path ... but you only have to take one step at a time. Each time you take a step in the same direction you are moving forward.

Wishing you a week of accomplishments - even if it is as simple as getting to the bottom of the ironing pile!

CPM to you.
:) Sun

Worthiness

Exerpts from my recent personal journal:
"This much I know to be true .... not much of anything really!! 
I doubt myself as an artist, mother, businesswoman, etc, etc. (A friend) called tonight with all the advice on running the business - things I know already and have done" ....
"I think there is a sense of ego there that is making (me) feel inferior - but this much I know to be true ....
I put thought and honour into (my work)".

How do we determine our worthiness?
Is it by the comments others make of us or are we strong enough to believe in ourselves and value our own opinions and decisions?

If we live our lives with integrity and apply ourselves with diligence - then we should consider ourselves worthy.
If we treat others with respect and our own self too then we should consider ourselves worthy.
If we are honest in everything and with everyone - then we should consider ourselves worthy.
If we are living a GENUINE life ... being true to who you feel you are, true to your principles, true to your goals.... then we ARE worthy.

Final excerpt from that entry was:
" This much I know to be true ...... I am GENUINE."

I wish for you the courage to find your Worthiness in yourself and not in the opinions others have of you.
Be GENUINE and you are on the right track.

Wishing you a CPM weekend.
:) Sun