The View in the Mirror

Earlier this week I found myself humming a familiar tune from childhood from a hippy sounding spiritual for which I can barely remember any lyrics ... but the meaning of which I obviously grasped as a child for it to have stuck with me for so long.  The few bits I remember (and please enlighten me if you know the real words!) .. was something like "take the hand of the man that stilled the waters, take a walk with the man that calmed the seas ...la la la ...  take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently ... la la la "(la la la being I think there are other lyrics but I don't remember!).

Well - long story short .. it was the last phrase that stuck with me ... again .. not sure if I had the words exact .. but it was the meaning of it that was of more importance than anything ...
"Take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently" ....
(No I am not referring to Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror song)

But it is about the view in the mirror.

After a challenging month (have I had any that haven't been I begin to ask myself !) ... but this time a challenging month in respect to personal relationships ... I have started looking inward with a lot more conviction. 

It is so easy to see the faults of others in situations.
It is so easy to blame others for where we are in life, for the actions we choose, for the opinions we voice.

It is not as easy to see our part in the scenario.

We figure that if others talked to us with more respect, treated us differently, behaved kinder towards us, etc etc etc .... then things would be better.

The reality is, as we all know and I tell myself over and over again ... is that we cannot change other people - we can only change the way we react to them and how we behave in the situations that bring us to a point of questioning.

I have learned with my teen son that just like other relationships in my life .. he is at the point in life where he is trying to exert independence and because of this boundaries in the relationship are being tested. 

I don't like it.

I don't like arguing, I don't like confrontation, I don't like anger, I don't like being disrespected, I don't like belligerence, I don't like being challenged, I don't like hostility, I don't like vindictiveness, I don't like the uckstuff

... and unfortunately I have experienced a big heap of this lately - but not just from my teen but from other adults

soooooo - How Do You Deal with The UckStuff?

... well - shouting doesn't work
trying to be super strict doesn't work
trying to make them conform to your ways doesn't work
... actually not much of anything if you are taking the approach of trying to stop or change the other person's behaviour

so what can you change? .... only the way you are .. the way you act or react .. the way you talk .. the way you respond  ... the words that you choose .. the actions that you take ... the behaviours that you exemplify

It was time to check out THE VIEW IN THE MIRROR......
and it wasn't pretty! (not just the wrinkles, grey hair and serious bags under the eyes from the stress) ...

I saw a person crippled by fear of confrontation (the reason why is yet to be determined!) ... and depending on the person or scenario would respond to confrontation by getting angry, crying, swearing, accusing .. in essence - behaving inappropriately.

I do not like the person I had become.
I do not like the view in the mirror.

I guess it is equivalent to deciding you need to put on some make up then or dye your hair ... if you don't like what you are seeing you try to change it.

I have been trying.
I have learned to pause when I am verbally attacked .. and not to respond straight away.  I determine if it is worthy of a response - and if so, make it a neutral one.
I have learned to stop and not get sucked into the vortex of anger that occurs when arguing starts.
I have learned to physically walk away.
... emotionally walking away is not as easy .. you just take that little parcel of everything you are feeling along with you and go somewhere else to open the package and deal with the contents of emotions away from the person that has helped fill your package....

I left my son a 5 page letter - which of course he did not read and instead scribbled over the front page "Don't Care"  - as a way of addressing my concerns with him about certain behaviours.
He may not have read it but it helped solidify in my mind how I was going to deal with these new behaviours and situations.
... I outlined how I felt
... I addressed my areas of concern
... I acknowledged the behaviours I see as inappropriate
... I explained that I don't like arguing and confrontation so I have decided I will walk away instead of getting pulled into a battle
... I reassured him that I am walking away from the situation .. and not from him
... I reiterated that just because I am choosing not to show anger over certain actions - does not mean I condone the action or behaviour
... I expressed how important it is to uphold respect
... I told him that I love him

and in everything he does I have to continue to love him because any less would mean that the bond of unconditional love a parent has for their child has been frayed and I wouldn't want that bond to tear ...

In regards to the adults in my life .. I am working on understanding what is it that I fear in certain relationships that cause me to behave in certain ways - servile, self destructive, childlike, explosive,etc. ...
and in the meantime I am learning to say what I have to say ... but at the same time choosing my words wisely so as they are said in a loving manner and not out of anger or spite ... but to still speak my mind with fortitude, courage and conviction.
I want my words to reflect a positive action and not a negative reaction.

I need to BELIEVE IN ME.
.. to believe in the choices I make, to believe in the actions that I take, to believe in the standards by which I live
If I believe in myself - then I will be making healthier choices and can change who I am in confrontational or challenging situations.  By changing me I change the dynamics of the situation.  If a person is used to me responding in a certain way - they will be thrown off when I no longer take that route. 

For example, one person I have known for many years often says I am always arguing because I always have a response to the criticisms metered out to me ... no matter in what tone I reply - even if laughing at myself I am still labled as arguing if I have a response.  I questioned them as to why I can't have an opinion and why if I have a response or reply is it considered arguing.  I was then told "See, you are arguing" ...  I can't change that person's perception of me or the fact that they don't want to hear my opinions ... but I can change the situation. 

I had a real AHA moment a few weeks ago when that person made an accusatory comment and I was engrossed in my work and didn't respond at all .. yet, their attack was quickly followed by "I don't want to argue with you about it!".  I realized that they always expect a response from me .. which they interpret as arguing.  Even when I didn't respond they were prepared for an argument to ensue.  I had to laugh as I hadn't said a word, yet I was perceived as arguing. 
I now realize that the best way to deal with this kind of situation is in fact to say or do nothing.
How quickly it diffuses the "argument".

This doesn't mean I accept their accusations, behaviours or disrespect. 
I have enough confidence and conviction in my beliefs that it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't agree.
I have put out the flame on the end of my fuse and will only light in when necessary. 

Walking away from vitriolic situations and behaviours and going to that mirror helps put the whole thing in perspective.
I can see myself in that mirror (though often through blurry teary eyes because of the hurt or anger) ..  and decide what I want to see. 
Will I be a victim, a reactionary, a monster mom or will I choose to wipe away the tears and splash some cold water reality on my face and realize the situation for what it is ... and then deal with it appropriately.

Looking in the mirror ( not literally  - but sometimes that helps) ... is what we need to do each time we feel that downward pull on our emotions.

Look at yourself and then you will look at others differently.
Instead of seeing a belligerent teen that you wish would go away .. you will see a child crying out for attention and struggling with the angst of change.
Instead of seeing a confrontational person as someone to be feared ... you will see an opportunity for personal courage.
Instead of seeing a 'friend' as a user because they only come to you when they need something ... you can   realize that you set the boundaries in your relationship - not them  - when you just say 'no'.

I think I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks because of the overabundance of challenging situations I have encountered in various relationships - my son, my friends, my coworkers.
Hard to believe that I have seen all of this and I only have a tiny mirror in a very dim lit bathroom - which is a good thing because I don't see the wrinkles and grey as easily! ... but that's another story.

"Take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently." Easier said then done.  Taking that moment of self reflection before you get pulled into a situation is important.  Look at yourself - and determine - who do I need to be, want to be, want to see .. at this moment .. do this before you look at the other person and the dynamics of the situation and relationship will change. 

They say practice makes perfect ... I have been practising all week and am far from perfect.  I think I have had my share of practice sessions for a while and am willing to go back to humdrum norm without any personal tests please.  ... but at least I feel a little bit better that should a pop quiz be sprung on me for which I am unprepared .. that the practice I have had will give me the tools I need to face the challenge.

My CPM for you is that you will see the challenges in your life as opportunities to look in the mirror.
I hope, like me, you will start to appreciate the person that you see. :)

CPM to you. 
Cheers xo Sun