Square One - A Full Circle

I never saw it coming but recent life actions have taken me in a full circle .. or back to square one as some would say.

Circle, square, triangle - I don't care what you call it but there's no denying that our lives are shaped - shaped by our decisions, our attitude, our actions - and also by the decisions, attitude and actions of others.

My son is now back with me full time because of choices he made - and subsequently choices and decisions that his father made - to which I was a spectator on the side having to go with the programme.

The irony is, when I look back at my past entries of how hard it was to step back and let my son "go" when we made the decision for him to spend more time living with his dad and how much I struggled with being alone and no longer having to do the daily "mum" jobs, that it was at that point - the point when I finally found ways to fulfill those alone moments and to enjoy my "me" time - that my son came back to me full time and the ME moments had to be put on hold.

At first I thought it was very unfair that a decision was made by others to which, under the circumstances, I had to just go along and accept it and readjust my life once again. It was unfair because I was being sent back to square one - full time motherhood with no time for me. It was so unfair because I had finally found time for doing things I enjoyed.

However, after that first week of back to early mornings, lunchboxes, sit down dinners and ironing uniforms I felt an utter satisfaction of "this is my life". I had come full circle to the place I had been at before but this time with a greater appreciation for my role as a mother. I had missed the simple daily activities of mumhood and interactions with my son.

As I had acknowledged in one of my earlier entries "Who Am I" - I will always define myself as MUM. The only difference was I was holding a job title for a post that had been made redundant ... but now I am re-employed.

The beauty of this circular journey is that I actually learned a thing or two along the way because I had listened to the lessons that I discovered - "Let It Be" and "Believe". I had learned to step back and trust in others. I had resigned to having absolute control and had accepted that sometimes we can't do everything on our own. I had learned to ask for help. I had learned to accept the help of others.
I had also learned how to enjoy myself outside of my role as a mother.
These Life Lessons taught me how to be a better mother.

My patience has returned. I am better able to handle the challenging situations and realize that I do have the strength to cope. I have also learned that if it gets too tough I have to admit it. However, one of the best things that I learned is not to lose myself. Yes, my personal time is extremely limited once again - but I had a taste of it and I didn't want to lose it - so I make sure that I find ways to incorporate those little enjoyments into my routine as a mum - such as time with my friends going to an exercise class or swim at the community pool. I have found that the times when I feel least like going to an exercise class because I am overtired, stressed and have a mountain of laundry to climb is the time that I need to do it most.

The act of putting my needs first is rewarding. As I explained to one of my friends the exercise classes or swims become rewarding on multiple levels - we have something to look forward to before we go, when we are there we feel the physical and mental benefits associated with exercise, and when we leave we have a personal sense of accomplishment that carries us through to the next class.

It took being alone to discover this.

I would have stayed stuck in my "poor me" rut had my son not gone to live with his dad but now instead of saying "poor me" as I try to juggle a full time job and motherhood on a single income - I have discovered that pockets of "Yeah Me" goes a long way in keeping the daily ugh stuff in balance.

"Yeah Me!" - I am so lucky. My life is a heaping bowl of Chocolate Pudding. I have my son back with me - which is a role I cherish but along the way I have discovered 'me' joys that now help keep my life balanced.

Yes, I am back to Square One but by going Full Circle and finding my way to that first stepping stone I have been given a second chance. How wonderful to be given an opportunity to go back in time and start that journey all over again but with an ounce more of Wisdom, Patience, Courage and Serenity.

So the Lesson I have learned is that sometimes what may seem like a step backwards - a return to square one - going full circle ... is in fact a positive thing ... it is a chance to do it all over again but this time BETTER!

CPM to you today.
x
Sun