Let It Be

How do you find a CPM in your day when the bowl seems completely empty and the sides have been licked clean but it wasn't you who got to lick the bowl?

Well those are the times when you need them most.  When Life (as it has a way of doing) kicks you in the butt, frowns on you, dumps you with challenges you never thought imagineable ... it is in those times that you have to BELIEVE that another bowl of pudding will be there when you need it most. 
If you believe in the little things - the cpms - then you will find them.

These past few weeks I think someone must have got their spoon in my bowl and left me just the scrapings on the edge .. but somehow in my darkest hour I was still able to stick my finger in there and get my fair share of the pudding.

This past week I had to make a very difficult decision that brought me to the depths of grief that left me speechless.  I know it is hard to believe that Ms. Chatterbox was speechless but I was -  but not for want of words.  It was the kind of speechless brought about by paralytic grief - the gut kicking, heart tightening, strangled vocal chords type of grief that leaves you struggling for a breath. let alone words, as every inhalation is choked by the sobs trying to escape.  I hope you never experience it.

That said, I resolved to be strong.

Being strong is being able to admit when you are weak.

A coward hides behind self righteousness.
Courage is admitting you may not have the answers, you do not know what to do, and knowing to ask for help.

Living courageously is living with your heart and mind.
A person who lives by heart alone is reactionary.
A person who lives by mind alone is unbending.
A person who lives by heart and mind can better determine how to behave appropriately when challenged, to be empathetic to others, to be non judgemental, to love unconditionally.

My expectations for my evening were thwarted by someone's elses needs and what I thought would be an opportunity for a good heap of chocolate pudding time ended up being a frustratingly empty bowl. 

I decided not to fight the challenge but to approach it lovingly but in a well thought out manner - trying to live by heart and mind. 

I decided to "Let It Be". ....  the song that I have played over and over and over again for the past 5 days.
The version I have of this popular Beetle's song is the spiritual from the modern film that brings me to tears every time I hear it.... but this time it wasn't just the tune and the voices .. I actually listened and personalized the lyrics.
"... in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom 'let it be, let it be' ....
... and in my darkest hour she is standing right in front of me whispering words of wisdom 'let it be, let it be'.."

When Life is at its lowest point you have to just resign yourself to a degree of acceptance - or as I often say .. It is what it is .. so just deal with it....or in Mother Mary's words (or the Beetle's) - "Let It Be". 

I had to accept that I am at this time, this place, this moment for a reason .. and if I LET IT BE then I am part of the solution not a conflict in the situation.

Letting the situation be what it is now is not what I would have chosen or foreseen in my life .. but it is and so I am dealing with it.  Acceptance is the name of that stepping stone.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference."

However, sometimes it takes courage to admit that there are things we cannot change.
It takes courage to accept that there are things we cannot change.
It takes courage to ask for others to help us change the things that need to be changed.

My CPM this week was finding the Serenity to Let It Be, the Courage to be weak and the Wisdom to live by heart and mind.

When you are feeling like you can't go on, that your bowl is empty, that it is your darkest hour .. it is okay to accept .. it is okay to be weak .. it is okay to Let It Be. 

CPM to you.
x sun

The Chicken and the Gale

I saw something for the first time ever today .. and it wasn't a pretty sight .. a mother hen and her very young brood were trying to seek shelter from the gale force winds and half of the chicks were being blown like tumbleweeds, head over heels uncontrollably (do chickens have heels?). The last of the group couldn't catch up and I would guess was getting pretty disorientated from the experience. I couldn't just watch so I got out of my car and into the stinging rain to scoop him up and take him to his mother. Shortly after, a friend and I got out of the car to experience the awesome power of the wind at the top of Whale Bay cliff. We kept getting blown backwards .. and though we weren't tumbled in somersaults like the little chick .. the experience was similar in that the wind kept driving us from our destination and we were powerless in its presence.

Mother Nature is all encompassing .. from the mighty wind and waves to the tiniest newborn chick braving the elements. We are just like that little chick in the incessant storm - powerless to forces greater than us .. so why do humans continue to think that they are so superior?

The View in the Mirror

Earlier this week I found myself humming a familiar tune from childhood from a hippy sounding spiritual for which I can barely remember any lyrics ... but the meaning of which I obviously grasped as a child for it to have stuck with me for so long.  The few bits I remember (and please enlighten me if you know the real words!) .. was something like "take the hand of the man that stilled the waters, take a walk with the man that calmed the seas ...la la la ...  take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently ... la la la "(la la la being I think there are other lyrics but I don't remember!).

Well - long story short .. it was the last phrase that stuck with me ... again .. not sure if I had the words exact .. but it was the meaning of it that was of more importance than anything ...
"Take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently" ....
(No I am not referring to Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror song)

But it is about the view in the mirror.

After a challenging month (have I had any that haven't been I begin to ask myself !) ... but this time a challenging month in respect to personal relationships ... I have started looking inward with a lot more conviction. 

It is so easy to see the faults of others in situations.
It is so easy to blame others for where we are in life, for the actions we choose, for the opinions we voice.

It is not as easy to see our part in the scenario.

We figure that if others talked to us with more respect, treated us differently, behaved kinder towards us, etc etc etc .... then things would be better.

The reality is, as we all know and I tell myself over and over again ... is that we cannot change other people - we can only change the way we react to them and how we behave in the situations that bring us to a point of questioning.

I have learned with my teen son that just like other relationships in my life .. he is at the point in life where he is trying to exert independence and because of this boundaries in the relationship are being tested. 

I don't like it.

I don't like arguing, I don't like confrontation, I don't like anger, I don't like being disrespected, I don't like belligerence, I don't like being challenged, I don't like hostility, I don't like vindictiveness, I don't like the uckstuff

... and unfortunately I have experienced a big heap of this lately - but not just from my teen but from other adults

soooooo - How Do You Deal with The UckStuff?

... well - shouting doesn't work
trying to be super strict doesn't work
trying to make them conform to your ways doesn't work
... actually not much of anything if you are taking the approach of trying to stop or change the other person's behaviour

so what can you change? .... only the way you are .. the way you act or react .. the way you talk .. the way you respond  ... the words that you choose .. the actions that you take ... the behaviours that you exemplify

It was time to check out THE VIEW IN THE MIRROR......
and it wasn't pretty! (not just the wrinkles, grey hair and serious bags under the eyes from the stress) ...

I saw a person crippled by fear of confrontation (the reason why is yet to be determined!) ... and depending on the person or scenario would respond to confrontation by getting angry, crying, swearing, accusing .. in essence - behaving inappropriately.

I do not like the person I had become.
I do not like the view in the mirror.

I guess it is equivalent to deciding you need to put on some make up then or dye your hair ... if you don't like what you are seeing you try to change it.

I have been trying.
I have learned to pause when I am verbally attacked .. and not to respond straight away.  I determine if it is worthy of a response - and if so, make it a neutral one.
I have learned to stop and not get sucked into the vortex of anger that occurs when arguing starts.
I have learned to physically walk away.
... emotionally walking away is not as easy .. you just take that little parcel of everything you are feeling along with you and go somewhere else to open the package and deal with the contents of emotions away from the person that has helped fill your package....

I left my son a 5 page letter - which of course he did not read and instead scribbled over the front page "Don't Care"  - as a way of addressing my concerns with him about certain behaviours.
He may not have read it but it helped solidify in my mind how I was going to deal with these new behaviours and situations.
... I outlined how I felt
... I addressed my areas of concern
... I acknowledged the behaviours I see as inappropriate
... I explained that I don't like arguing and confrontation so I have decided I will walk away instead of getting pulled into a battle
... I reassured him that I am walking away from the situation .. and not from him
... I reiterated that just because I am choosing not to show anger over certain actions - does not mean I condone the action or behaviour
... I expressed how important it is to uphold respect
... I told him that I love him

and in everything he does I have to continue to love him because any less would mean that the bond of unconditional love a parent has for their child has been frayed and I wouldn't want that bond to tear ...

In regards to the adults in my life .. I am working on understanding what is it that I fear in certain relationships that cause me to behave in certain ways - servile, self destructive, childlike, explosive,etc. ...
and in the meantime I am learning to say what I have to say ... but at the same time choosing my words wisely so as they are said in a loving manner and not out of anger or spite ... but to still speak my mind with fortitude, courage and conviction.
I want my words to reflect a positive action and not a negative reaction.

I need to BELIEVE IN ME.
.. to believe in the choices I make, to believe in the actions that I take, to believe in the standards by which I live
If I believe in myself - then I will be making healthier choices and can change who I am in confrontational or challenging situations.  By changing me I change the dynamics of the situation.  If a person is used to me responding in a certain way - they will be thrown off when I no longer take that route. 

For example, one person I have known for many years often says I am always arguing because I always have a response to the criticisms metered out to me ... no matter in what tone I reply - even if laughing at myself I am still labled as arguing if I have a response.  I questioned them as to why I can't have an opinion and why if I have a response or reply is it considered arguing.  I was then told "See, you are arguing" ...  I can't change that person's perception of me or the fact that they don't want to hear my opinions ... but I can change the situation. 

I had a real AHA moment a few weeks ago when that person made an accusatory comment and I was engrossed in my work and didn't respond at all .. yet, their attack was quickly followed by "I don't want to argue with you about it!".  I realized that they always expect a response from me .. which they interpret as arguing.  Even when I didn't respond they were prepared for an argument to ensue.  I had to laugh as I hadn't said a word, yet I was perceived as arguing. 
I now realize that the best way to deal with this kind of situation is in fact to say or do nothing.
How quickly it diffuses the "argument".

This doesn't mean I accept their accusations, behaviours or disrespect. 
I have enough confidence and conviction in my beliefs that it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't agree.
I have put out the flame on the end of my fuse and will only light in when necessary. 

Walking away from vitriolic situations and behaviours and going to that mirror helps put the whole thing in perspective.
I can see myself in that mirror (though often through blurry teary eyes because of the hurt or anger) ..  and decide what I want to see. 
Will I be a victim, a reactionary, a monster mom or will I choose to wipe away the tears and splash some cold water reality on my face and realize the situation for what it is ... and then deal with it appropriately.

Looking in the mirror ( not literally  - but sometimes that helps) ... is what we need to do each time we feel that downward pull on our emotions.

Look at yourself and then you will look at others differently.
Instead of seeing a belligerent teen that you wish would go away .. you will see a child crying out for attention and struggling with the angst of change.
Instead of seeing a confrontational person as someone to be feared ... you will see an opportunity for personal courage.
Instead of seeing a 'friend' as a user because they only come to you when they need something ... you can   realize that you set the boundaries in your relationship - not them  - when you just say 'no'.

I think I have learned a lot about myself these past few weeks because of the overabundance of challenging situations I have encountered in various relationships - my son, my friends, my coworkers.
Hard to believe that I have seen all of this and I only have a tiny mirror in a very dim lit bathroom - which is a good thing because I don't see the wrinkles and grey as easily! ... but that's another story.

"Take a look at yourself then you will look at others differently." Easier said then done.  Taking that moment of self reflection before you get pulled into a situation is important.  Look at yourself - and determine - who do I need to be, want to be, want to see .. at this moment .. do this before you look at the other person and the dynamics of the situation and relationship will change. 

They say practice makes perfect ... I have been practising all week and am far from perfect.  I think I have had my share of practice sessions for a while and am willing to go back to humdrum norm without any personal tests please.  ... but at least I feel a little bit better that should a pop quiz be sprung on me for which I am unprepared .. that the practice I have had will give me the tools I need to face the challenge.

My CPM for you is that you will see the challenges in your life as opportunities to look in the mirror.
I hope, like me, you will start to appreciate the person that you see. :)

CPM to you. 
Cheers xo Sun

Memories and Daisies

Well ..I apologize, I have been AWOL from my blog because Life just got busy!
It happens.

Today was my first day off work (other than Christmas Day ) in 6 weeks and my sister pulled me away from the dreaded home chores and so, along with my other sister's daughter, we had a girls' day of just exploring, driving, chatting and laughing.
We drove from one end of the island to the other and back again visiting childhood memories.

Towards the end of the day, I picked wild daisies in the old cemetery with my niece which we placed on the graves of her great grandparents as well as on the one of her great, great grandparents. I explained that my paternal grandmother died the day after her husband from heartache - Jan 4th and 5th, 1973 - a time long before she can ever conceive of .. but the profoundness of such a tragic love story I am sure will stay with her forever. We took some pictures of the inscriptions and flowers and created a moment for her to remember.

As we drove around old haunts and familiar places my niece reminisced about the various spots where we used to take the children to ride bicycles, or go for nature walks ... and even though she is only 14, I realized that as she spoke, what to me seemed like yesterday's memories to her seemed like a life time ago, as she grasped at vague memories of a time past.

Her memories WERE a lifetime ago .. the things we did when she was 4 would have been at a time when memories start cementing and as we age we find it harder to grasp recollections prior to that time.

I so cherish the times I spend with my son, my niece and my nephew but when I say "do you remember" they often have no recollection because the memory has not been given an opportunity to become a memory.

I realized that with children, as with adults, the importance of revisiting the places of our memories in order to help them stay with us longer.   Just like revision work for a test or reciting a script of a play - repetition, revisiting, recalling, reminding are all necessary tools to help us remember our past lives. 

How often have you struggled to complete a childhood memory or to recall the details of a special occasion that you thought you would never forget?

If you don't revisit those memories - they will fade.

If you don't pass on the family stories, then who will remember them?

If you don't have photos of those who have left us, how we will connect an image to a name? 

Family time, family history, family memories are so important.

I don't want to forget but sometimes age has a say in that matter so I use the tools now to create the memories for tomorrow when at some point they might be harder to retrieve.

I keep photos and a family memory album with photos of my parents, grandparents and great grandparents. 

These are people that I want the next generation to remember by face - not just a name on a tombstone.
I want them to be remembered by who they were and the lives they lived.

Before my maternal grandfather died, I visited him in Scotland and spent days just visiting with him, talking and writing down everything he told me .. every memory and every detail .. most of which were of his 4 years as a POW in a German Concentration camp during WWII.  He had been reported as dead but my Nana never gave up waiting for him to return.  Thankfully he did so as I could have the chance of knowing my grandparents and recording a little bit of their lives ... to pass on to the next generation.

I have also kept journals for most of my life - many of my entries addressed to my son in the hopes that one day he will read them and understand the path we have walked together.

They are also an important tool for me as I go back and digest the pages of more challenging and fearful periods in my life as well as rediscovering the past joyous occasions.  These are benchmarks by which I can now understand my present life. They provide me with a better sense of who I am now and who I want to be in my future life by revisiting the me I once was.

One day when my life is over, perhaps my memories - all the journals and the photos, the movies and the stories  - will just be packed in a bag and trashed as unfortunately was done with most of my granddad's photos.  It would sadden me to think that the memories I valued would seem insignificant to others.

However, I believe I have instilled enough of an interest in my niece, and hopefully in my son, in the family that has come before us for them to hold and to pass on the memories that I cherish and value.

I often worry that if we don't pass on these memories that those that have gone will be forgot?

My best friend's father has reached a point in his life of deterioration, physically and mentally, and it is an upsetting thing to witness.  It makes you realize that the threshold between Life and Death is such a narrow step. It is in such times when you realize the clock is ticking fast that the urgency to revisit and remember the past becomes more prevalent.

Why do we wait until the final hours?
Memories are special gifts that should be shared daily.

If you have a memory of a loved one - whether a relative or a friend - older or younger -  don't keep it to yourself. Share it with them now - they may have been trying to complete that puzzle for awhile and your sharing has given them the final piece. 

Memories are not to be kept in a box only to be pulled out when it is too late and the person is pushing up daisies. 
Memories are the bond that connect us.

My CPM today was creating memory time with my sister and niece. 
We may not have the same memory of this day in a few years - but at least it was one that we shared... and so when we  remember it .. each one will bring their piece of the puzzle to completing the memory.

If you need to find ways to help you remember - you should.
If it is worth remembering - you will.

It's your only Life.
Live It.
Remember It.
Cherish It.
Share It.

.... and hopefully, one day that shared memory will be remembered ... and then cherished .. and shared .. and once again the memory will be passed on.....

CPM to you.
:)  Sun