Climbing Mountains

WOW! ... It has been over a year since I have done an entry. I hope that doesn't mean that I have been too busy to appreciate the CPM's in my life. I think it is just more a matter of being so busy that I haven't taken time to acknowledge them in this forum because it is certainly the overwhelming CPM's that have helped me through this past year. As most of my family and close friends will know there have been some larger than normal Everest mountains to climb for all of us this past year - health, deaths, personal, relationships, etc. Some mountains seemed impassable but the one thing I have learned is that all it takes is reaching out and asking to hold someone's hand so you have a friend beside you as you make that journey. The first half of the year I was the one asking for help as I found myself in some pretty dark valleys .. so thank you to those loved ones who helped me get to the other side. Somewhere along the way my footing became more stable and I think I became a more seasoned mountaineer as the latter half of 2012 has found the shoe to be on the other foot ... and I have been the one stretching out my hand to friends and family. I am so grateful to have had the support of loved ones there when I needed them ... but I am even more grateful that I have been able to return the love and be the one to give the hugs, the words of encouragement, the emotional and physical support when asked. Helping others has certainly put all of my previous personal woes and concerns not just on a back burner .. but practically extinguished the memory of them. They have become just that .. vague memories. A genuine hug and a listening ear may be the only help I can offer at times... but I know its value is immeasurable.... and this past week I have done my fair share of hugging! My Chocolate Pudding Moment for today .. is having these few minutes to myself, after months of climbing mountains, to acknowledge and appreciate the value of our loved ones and our communities especially when the road ahead seems blocked by an Everest. Climbing mountains is a daunting and exhausting task .. but reaching the top, seeing the view below and the sense of accomplishment makes the journey all worthwhile.

Square One - A Full Circle

I never saw it coming but recent life actions have taken me in a full circle .. or back to square one as some would say.

Circle, square, triangle - I don't care what you call it but there's no denying that our lives are shaped - shaped by our decisions, our attitude, our actions - and also by the decisions, attitude and actions of others.

My son is now back with me full time because of choices he made - and subsequently choices and decisions that his father made - to which I was a spectator on the side having to go with the programme.

The irony is, when I look back at my past entries of how hard it was to step back and let my son "go" when we made the decision for him to spend more time living with his dad and how much I struggled with being alone and no longer having to do the daily "mum" jobs, that it was at that point - the point when I finally found ways to fulfill those alone moments and to enjoy my "me" time - that my son came back to me full time and the ME moments had to be put on hold.

At first I thought it was very unfair that a decision was made by others to which, under the circumstances, I had to just go along and accept it and readjust my life once again. It was unfair because I was being sent back to square one - full time motherhood with no time for me. It was so unfair because I had finally found time for doing things I enjoyed.

However, after that first week of back to early mornings, lunchboxes, sit down dinners and ironing uniforms I felt an utter satisfaction of "this is my life". I had come full circle to the place I had been at before but this time with a greater appreciation for my role as a mother. I had missed the simple daily activities of mumhood and interactions with my son.

As I had acknowledged in one of my earlier entries "Who Am I" - I will always define myself as MUM. The only difference was I was holding a job title for a post that had been made redundant ... but now I am re-employed.

The beauty of this circular journey is that I actually learned a thing or two along the way because I had listened to the lessons that I discovered - "Let It Be" and "Believe". I had learned to step back and trust in others. I had resigned to having absolute control and had accepted that sometimes we can't do everything on our own. I had learned to ask for help. I had learned to accept the help of others.
I had also learned how to enjoy myself outside of my role as a mother.
These Life Lessons taught me how to be a better mother.

My patience has returned. I am better able to handle the challenging situations and realize that I do have the strength to cope. I have also learned that if it gets too tough I have to admit it. However, one of the best things that I learned is not to lose myself. Yes, my personal time is extremely limited once again - but I had a taste of it and I didn't want to lose it - so I make sure that I find ways to incorporate those little enjoyments into my routine as a mum - such as time with my friends going to an exercise class or swim at the community pool. I have found that the times when I feel least like going to an exercise class because I am overtired, stressed and have a mountain of laundry to climb is the time that I need to do it most.

The act of putting my needs first is rewarding. As I explained to one of my friends the exercise classes or swims become rewarding on multiple levels - we have something to look forward to before we go, when we are there we feel the physical and mental benefits associated with exercise, and when we leave we have a personal sense of accomplishment that carries us through to the next class.

It took being alone to discover this.

I would have stayed stuck in my "poor me" rut had my son not gone to live with his dad but now instead of saying "poor me" as I try to juggle a full time job and motherhood on a single income - I have discovered that pockets of "Yeah Me" goes a long way in keeping the daily ugh stuff in balance.

"Yeah Me!" - I am so lucky. My life is a heaping bowl of Chocolate Pudding. I have my son back with me - which is a role I cherish but along the way I have discovered 'me' joys that now help keep my life balanced.

Yes, I am back to Square One but by going Full Circle and finding my way to that first stepping stone I have been given a second chance. How wonderful to be given an opportunity to go back in time and start that journey all over again but with an ounce more of Wisdom, Patience, Courage and Serenity.

So the Lesson I have learned is that sometimes what may seem like a step backwards - a return to square one - going full circle ... is in fact a positive thing ... it is a chance to do it all over again but this time BETTER!

CPM to you today.
x
Sun

Lifting Spirits

It doesn't take much to lift the spirit of another person but its effects are far reaching. It may only be a smile to a stranger on a bench, really listening to the never ending story of a chatty child ... or forgiving a teenager (when they least expect it) for messing up .. again!

Recently I started filling my free time with rediscovering enjoyable activities such as reading, writing and painting .. and I even joined a Zumba class! I felt like I was 20 again :) It brought me so much joy to finish another book or to learn a new dance step .. doing things for me!!! I wasn't use to that concept. But what was more rewarding was to hear the appreciation and joy I brought to others - from sending a simple post card or hand written letter, spending time for a cup of tea or turning a brown paper bag into a trick or treat master piece with my 5 year old nephew.

Little things ... small actions and words that lift the spirits of others .. but in turn give me that warm sense of chocolate pudding moment satisfaction.

I have been so kindly and wonderfully blessed by others .. I know I may not be able to pass on the kindnesses financially or materialistically but I know that I can show my gratitude by passing on the same spirit of kindness in my every day living.

Here's to savouring those Chocolate Pudding Moments in your day .. and then remembering to pass them on to lift the spirits of those around you.

Chillin' and Glowworms

There is something to be said for doing absolutely nothing .. otherwise known as chillin' ....
We get so caught up in the busyness of trying to catch up with friends, help out family, juggle jobs and responsibilites that we often forget that it is totally okay to just do nothing - to be still and quiet - to not talk on the phone, to text for hours or go on facebook or watch tv .. but to just sit and stare at the space around us ... to look out to the ocean or to lie under a tree and stare up at the sky.
It is okay just to be.

In Bermuda there is a phenomena that is known as the Glowworms ... 3 nights after the full moon and 56 minutes after sunset is the peak of this ocean mating ritual that brings swirls and streams of phosphorus to the surface as the glowworms mate and die. This is best seen away from manmade light in dark quiet coves. Tomorrow Monday July 18th is the next date but they have already started.

Watching this clockwork timing by nature is amazing ... and worth making the effort to put down all the gadgets, remotes and media cyber junky distractions and just find a quiet spot near the water's edge to sit and just chill while the Glow Worms perform their show.

Here's to "chillin' " - the best way to beat the summer heat and hoping you can find some time to cherish those moments of awe provided for you free by Mother Nature.

Wisdom

Wisdom is one of those attributes that goes hand in hand with experience.
Usually it is the result of an experience that makes us reflect on our attitude, thoughts, words and actions ... and more often than not that reflection carries a sense of "should have - could have" regrets.
We ponder the things we said and did and wonder what would have happened had we chose a different path or course of action.
Life is full of these daily reminders that our choices are often spontaneous and reactionary.

Life happens and we happen back.

That's where you start understanding why the old adage of "Wisdom comes with Age". As you get older your Life experiences increase, become more far reaching and cross bridges that you never thought possible.

It is so very easy to think you have the answers to others' challenges or problems - but we don't because everyone's walk is different. Even for those who have had similar journeys - the elements of that journey are still very individual - so we can never truly understand or appreciate another person's story - though we can certainly be empathetic.

When we reflect on our own experiences and journeys - it is so easy to rewrite the script in your head as to how you think it should have been.
When Life presents you with a similar script it is amazing how often we forget that we have read this one already and forget the lessons learned when it comes to our own lives but can so readily recognize it in someone else's life and think we have the answers as to how they can rewrite the script to change the ending.



Wisdom is recognizing when you find yourself crossing the same bridge and use your past experience to determine which fork in the road you will choose.
Wisdom is using what you have learned to avoid returning to the same bridges.

Wisdom is understanding that you cannot change the past.
Wisdom is appreciating that the experience was a necessary part of the journey in order for you to learn and figure out the map ahead.
Wisdom is realizing that the journey is different for everyone but that the paths we choose will cross, diverge or join.

Wisdom is thinking before action.
Wisdom is sharing the journey.
Wisdom is humble.

I wish for you enriching experiences to nurture your wisdom.

CPM to you.
sun

"Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann (1872 - 1945)

This is such a beautiful poem. I forgot how much it helped me make it through past challenging times when love seemed to be a fickle notion. On my way to the post office a few days ago, one of my friend's daughters was at the bus stop having just missed her school bus, so I gave her a ride. She pulled out the poem and told me she has to learn it for school - so I had her read it to me while I drove. Hearing it again, I knew I had to post it for others to read because the layered messages are timeless and golden ... just like the sound of silence and the pursuit of happiness.
It speaks volumes to me about living life true.

Enjoy!

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Who Am I?

When you were younger did an adult ever give you that finger wagging eye popping reprimand of "Excuse me missy, just who do you think you are?!" when you may have spoken out of place?
... well, time to answer ..who do you think you are?

Now that my son is spending more nights with his dad I have discovered that I have been tackling the question of "Who am I?".

For the past 15 years I have defined myself as "Mum"....

... and not just to my child as many of my friends know.

Now instead of making supper, packing lunch boxes and ironing school uniforms, my son is with his dad and I find myself challenged to change my school night routines to caring just for me. The first night I just sat and literally stared at a wall (or the interior equivalent on a boat). I had eaten, cleaned up and was in my pjs all by 7pm for the first week... and struggling to stay awake to a normal adult bedtime!

Tonight is the first night of daylight savings and it has helped a little by giving me time to go for a walk. But I dreaded going home to an empty boat and being alone so I walked about twice as long as normal. On my walk I saw a large group of other marina tenants at the local pub sitting outside laughing and chatting. I kept my head down and kept walking as I felt like an outsider....like someone who wasn't invited to the party and is staring through the frosty window feeling ostracized.

I know that is not their faults or intent .. but it is my perception of me because I have spent the past decade and a half defining my life by my role as a parent and have never felt like part of that social setting.

Last night my son was chatting on the phone to his best friend who had gone to a class mate's house to work on a school project .. but it had turned into a social gathering and my son said he could hear them all happy in the background and felt so left out.

I know exactly how he feels.

Is it because we have created an isolated life for ourselves by our lifestyle choices?

Is it because I am single with a child but most of my friends are married with several children and most of my neighbours are just single or without children? I don't know any other mums who I can say are like me ... divorced, single, one teenage son .. self employed and live on a boat. Even without the latter two .. having common traits with friends often is the reason you connect and do shared activities. And for my son, a similar scenario - all of his friends have siblings, live in two income homes, etc, etc ..

My son asked me today how I would describe him over the phone to someone who didn't know him ... I gave my reply (a very lengthy one of course) .. and then asked the same of him. His response was surprisingly flattering - "a hippy chick", "artsy" and another loving description that eludes me at the moment .. but nonetheless, it fascinated me that this was the same child who just a few days ago described me as "annoying". :)

Do we define ourselves by how others perceive us then?
Do we define ourselves by the roles we fulfill?
Do we define ourselves by our relationships with others?
Do we define ourselves by our lifestyle choices or cultural heritage?

I have been referred to by others as my parents' daughter, my siblings' sister, the potter's wife, my son's mum.
I have been called the travel agent, the pottery owner, the boat lady, a Somerset gal, country girl, nature person, goody two shoes, Mother Theresa, environmental activist, revolutionary!!!! ..
People have asked if I am South African, British, Australian, American, etc . because they cannot place my accent or the fact that I am a fair skinned, blue eyed Bermudian.

Why does anyone else really care .. and if I don't know who I am then how can they?

Who we are is not a simple answer because we are complex beings with multifaceted lives. I have to not let myself be pigeon holed, labelled or defined by others.

I have to find the definition of ME in me. ... and me is not the person sitting at the pub laughing nor the loner on the outside looking in ..

For now, the who I am that is most important to me is the Me called Mum.

Who Am I? Just ME .. and that's all I need to be. :)

How do you define YOU?

CPM to you.
cheers
xo ME