A Minute Vacation

Serenity is that feeling you get when everything in the world feels just right.

That was yesterday morning - sitting in the cockpit of Alibi with a cup of tea in my hands and the sunshine on my face.  I tried to empty my mind of thoughts and just "be" ... which I know may sound corny or meditative ..but it wasn't the intent.  It is just that I think too much and talk too much and sometimes even I need a break from my incessant internal chatter. 

So I closed my eyes and tried to just listen to the sounds ... the wind in the palms, the birds, the lapping water ...  to just listen without commentary.  It isn't easy at all!

Yes .. the rest of the world seemed quiet around me other than the occasional bus passing by ... but it was the chatter in my head that makes the most noise. 

We complain about the constant noise of machines, music, tv, vehicles, etc ...   but our lives are filled with other noises too.... calming and appreciative sounds of birds, wind, ocean - nature ... and the silent noise of internal chatter.

I made a very concentrated effort just to listen. 
I tried to focus on one sound at a time.
I tried to make myself aware of only the sounds of nature.
I tried to stop the talking in my head.

I tried but that little internal voice kept chatting the whole time .. like a director from the sidelines of a play "Just listen to the birds" .. and I would try to listen to the birds .. "Oh, wait I hear a bus coming, no don't focus on the bus, focus on the wind in the trees. Why can't I hear just that one sound, I keep hearing the others creep in.  Stop thinking!" 

I believe it was an impossible task!

Not only are the majority of us blessed with the sense of hearing but we also have an internal voice that wants to be heard too. 

I wonder if our internal voices are a reflection of our external selves?  Do chatter boxes like me have endless internal conversations that never have answers while others who are quieter in person have less of the internal as well?  We will probably never know!

Silence may never be fully acheivable until Life is over ... so for that we should appreciate the moments of quietude that bring us Serenity but also for the chatter in our heads that lets us know we are still alive and cognizant of our surroundings.

It is in the moments of Serenity that we can in fact best hear ourselves.

Often we listen to everyone else's advice, opinions, directions and guidance.   How often do you just sit down with your own self and just listen to that person who knows you best ..  you!

Listen to yourself.  It is easier done in times of quiet (since Silence seems an impossibility).

You will be surprised at how Serenity starts to seep in.

My mum called to wish a Happy Christmas during that brief period that I was enjoying the sunshine and quiet.  She asked what I received for Christmas.  With only the one day off  for the holidays ... it was without question the sunshine and beautiful weather that was the best gift of all after a month of gales, hail and rain.  A respite from nature's chill and howling winds that had made a few rough months of boat living.

I had awoken to a still and quiet morning ... no clanking halyards on masts, no howling winds in rigging, no icy hail on deck ... it was a wonderful gift to be able to sit outdoors in the sunshine and silence and sip my tea.  It was nice to have a visit with me ....   to have "me time" .... or as my mum and I call it . "a minute vacation".

I wish for you moments of Serenity and plenty of "minute vacations".
CPM to you.
:) Sun

Cassava Pieless

Well, this year I ran out of time and energy and there won't be any cassava pie to eat or share.  Cassave Pie is a traditional Bermudian dish served at Christmas made from the root of the cassava or yucca plant.  The grated root is moist and acts in a similar way to corn meal.  It is mixed with eggs, sugar, butter and nutmeg and forms a cakey moist bread that is usually filled with a thin layer of pork and chicken.  I have always made mine without meat and for the most part have adapted my mum's recipe that was handed down to her in 1967 by a family friend.  I have passed on the tradition of making the cassava to my 13 year old neice and I always look forward to our time together baking this and other Christmas treats. 

With the onset of an ughy cold and with storm force winds rocking the boat .. baking is the last thing I feel like doing. It is also a very costly dish - with the cassava only coming in 5lb bags .. and the recipe requiring more than a dozen eggs .. of which I only tend to eat a few slices and that's me done for the year.  The rest I share and give to family and friends .. quite honestly .. it's not a cost I can afford this year.   I would be happy to eat it if someone else would make it for a change ... but I have a feeling we will have to go without.

I felt a tinge of sadness at the failure to maintain that final tradition to which I was clinging (since my son no longer wants to do the late night drive to look at lights or watch Frosty the Snowman with me!)... . but that was over in a nano second and I have put it in its place.

Traditions are wonderful activities that honour our culture and our past and should definitely be carried on, passed on and encouraged ... but when we become slaves to our traditions and think we cannot enjoy an occasion without upholding the things we have done in the past .. then the purpose of the tradition is lost.

Some folks tend to focus so much on the details that they lose the sense, purpose or spirit of an occasion.

Surely Christmas should not be worrying about if it is in fact the exact date of Christ's birth ... or how did St. Nicholas (Santa Claus) become entwined with a Christian celebration .. or what other non religious activities have become part of the season. 

Christmas is about honouring whatever this time of year means to you and your family.
If your roots are spiritual then you will find peace in honouring your religion or faith.  If the season is a time for family .. then you will seek out traditions or activities that remind you of past times shared to reignite that sense of togetherness.

Unfortunately this Christmas a lot of families will have their traditions, their expectations and their hopes put on hold this holiday for various reasons ... many are stranded in foreign cities and airports throughout Europe because of flight cancellations.... others are not in the economic position they once were to give as freely as they would like .. yet others are struggling with the death or illness of loved ones.

In the big picture of things ... if the cassava doesn't get made, if there is no Christmas tree this year, if I didn't get a chance to send out Christmas cards to friends and family ... really .. it is not worth being upset over! In the big picture of things .. so what!!!
My son will be with me on Christmas day - which wasn't expected a month ago when there were plans for him to spend the holidays with his father in Europe.  For that I am grateful .. and that is my CPM today knowing that my son is home safe with me and not stuck enroute for Christmas.

I am grateful to have family to share a meal with this holiday. .... even if there won't be cassave on the plate!

 May traditions fill your season as they should and not be the centre of its purpose.  Value them for what they are .. then put them in their place.  Look at the big picture .. not the little mosaic pieces that you have always counted on to make the image.

Wishing you a Christmas season with enough CPMs to keep you focused on the big picture!
:) sun

Life's Timing: The Gift of Giving

Tonight I dropped off my neice at home and my son decided to stay and visit, then had to get fuel in the car, drop off an extra cheque to the post office as they had forgot to include one of my packages in my shipping payment .. then stopped to drop off a package to a friend and ended up chatting for a bit ....  finally enroute home an hour after I normally would have been snuggled in on what for us has been a very, very cold day.  Happy to be getting home and ready for a much needed cup of tea .. I approached the gate to our dock with my usual load of bags of groceries and clean laundry while fumbling for the key to unlock the gate.  At the gate I noticed something on the ground .. then realized it was a person!
It took a second for me to register what I was seeing .. and unsure if the still body was even alive.

It was one of my elderly neighbours - he had fallen, tripped ... we are not sure .. but he was on the ground on his back in the cold dark and I could see no-one else around to help.  I called 911 and then pulled out my clean laundry which conveniently consisted of two large duvet covers and put one under his head and covered him to keep him warm with the other.  Once I knew help was on the way and he was speaking and understanding me, I ran to get his wife.  I stayed with him for over 1/2 hour before help arrived.  No-one knows how long he had been there... he didn't think he had been there long.  Once in the ambulance I could see that he had been bleeding from the head and am glad that I didn't move him but had called for emergency help just to be safe. 

Most of the other neighbours seem to have already been home by the time the ambulance departed and I made my way down the dock to my boat. 

It made me question Life's Timing.

What if I hadn't stopped for gas or had needed to go to the post office .. or chatted with my friend for a little while... then I probably would have already been home like everyone else and been totally oblivious to the situation.  How long would he have remained there motionless on the ground?   If he hadn't been found when he was would his situation have deteriorated in the cold temperature ?  How was it that I happened to have those two large duvet covers in my possession considering they had been sitting in the laundry pile to do for over 2 weeks.

I thought as I was driving home that I would have some free time to myself while my son was visiting his cousin .. but instead spent the evening helping a neighbour .. and wouldn't have had it any other way.  What is it in Life that puts us in places or circumstances just at certain moments that seem so significant?

Just as the ambulance pulled away and I watched to make sure his wife was fine pulling off in her car ... I went below and closed up my boat and at that moment the rain started pelting down.  It had been raining for a good part of the day ... icy needles driven by a relentless wind .. as it is again now, but I realized in retrospect that he couldn't have been there long as he was dry when I found him .. and the whole time I stayed with him until the time he left was over an hour .. yet not a drop of rain during that time!

How does Life time those kind of mini miracles?   It sure does make one think .. and if it doesn't make a believer out of a person .. then it at least should make one realize that Life is a lot more in control of our destiny that we understand. 

There is a purpose to our existence .... for the most part we stumble through Life totally oblivious to that purpose .. or even questioning why and what it is all about.   BUT .. when you have one of those coincidental, unbelievable, Life's Timing moments .... it makes you realize and appreciate that it is not for us to question .. only to Be.   Our existence may be for something as simple as holding the hand of a fallen neighbour, encouraging a child who had a bad day, hugging a retiree that you haven't seen in many years and giving them the gift of human contact, giving directions to a stranger who seems lost, smiling at a homeless person to acknowledge his existence thus giving him a sense of being.

This is often called the Season of Giving.

Giving doesn't have to be wrapped in sparkly paper or coins in a donation box.

Giving can be as simple as a smile, a hug, a listening ear, a word of encouragement.

Giving of yourself is the most generous gift of all. 

If you are in sync with Life's Timing .. you come to realize that there are opportunities for Giving in every day moments. 

I feel fortunate that I was able to be there for my neighbour.  It wasn't my doing .. it was Life's Timing .. but it was an opportunity to give of myself unconditionally.  That was my CPM for today.  Being presented with a situation that awakened my sense of being and purpose.  

I wish for you moments of clarity that help you realize you have a purpose for being. 
I wish for you an opportunity to experience Life's Timing.
I wish for you a chance to offer a CPM to someone else so you may experience the Gift of Giving.

CPM to you.   May you all stay safe and warm this season.
:) sun

Thoughts on motherhood and education

How does one feel inspired to be creative - in my work, in my art, in my writing or in my home life ... when surrounded by challenges that drain you to the very core?

It goes back to finding those CPMs in your life. 

It has been a rough few months, especially with adjusting to my child as a teen.  His challenges become mountains over night that I wish I could make go away like the Boogey Man .. but the difference is his challenges are real .. and Mr. Boogey Man was proven to be non existant. (Unfortunately so was Santa and the Tooth Fairy)

As I explained to my neice, a mother's love is so strong that it physically hurts when your child is suffering or struggling. (or is that only me???) ... When my son or neice are cut and hurt I feel a cramping inside ... when their pain is emotional .. .I feel it in my heart .. that tightness in your chest that makes you want to wail. 
Bandaids don't work for all the boo boos anymore!

I wish we could return to that world of Peter Pan that we lived in for so long .... and pulled everyone else into our fairy tale story life too. My mum always called me the Wendy Bird (from Peter Pan) because as most of the children in my life know, I never want to grow up.  I loathe the boring and serious world of adulthood.  That's why having young children in your life is so enriching and wonderful ... they have yet to leave the world of imagination and pretend ... where we can be silly, have fun, create imaginary landscapes and stories with our minds .. and it is still okay and accepted! Maybe if I prefer to be in that world I need to go back to teaching, have more children .. or perhaps just be admitted!

I don't think I am quite ready for the seriousness of teenage life ... it is far too intense for my liking.  Why do we expect our teens to become so serious about everything - their schooling, their future, their social life and extra curricula activities ...  why can't they spend their free time fishing instead of packing groceries to earn money?  Why can't schools be fun again ... why is it okay to be creative and hands on with the 5 year olds .. but by the time they hit their teens they are expected to put that all behind them and learning becomes about pen and paper? 

No wonder there are so many middle and high school drop outs, failures and lost causes ... because we have forgotten about the child in the teen .. we have forgot how to appeal to the fun side of learning.  We have taken imagination and creativity out of education. 

Unfortunately, I am experiencing this first hand .. with a very creative and artistic child who has been required to fit his round peg learning style into a square hole education system. 
Bermuda is so lacking in vocational learning, trade education, apprenticeship programmes ... and in lieu we are tackling the results of boring our children in the classroom that has sent them to the streets.  The island now has to deal with gangs, violence, illiteracy and poverty .. issues that are so foreign to us (or have we just had our head in the sand and are now addressing what was always there?).  You can't fix the problem by taking away the guns.  That's like punishing your teen by taking away the xbox ..  he just turns to his cell phone or computer as his escape. 

The answer is providing an environment that stimulates and shapes the young people before they ever get to that point.  If you give them creative outlets .. they will become creative.  If you give them opportunities to excel .. then they will excel.  Not everyone is an academic .. some are but still learn in other ways.  Vocational training at the high school level is too late ...Life Skills need to be taught throughout their education. 
So much emphasis is on performance results in math and language that we fail to realize .. test results are often just a matter of using short term memory and churning out the facts that just got put in .... that doesn't reflect what was actually learned.  Learning means being able to apply .. especially in real life situations - not in a test booklet. 

Think back to your childhood.  You will probably realize that your favourite teachers were usually the ones in whose subjects you excelled.  .. and the subjects you enjoyed were also the ones in which you excelled.  It is because you excelled that the subject brought enjoyment.  Nothing like an A grade to build up one's self esteem and make you think you are good at something ... so of course you want to try again .. and keep going ...the satisfaction and feelings of accomplishment is the reward.  If you feel accomplished in one area .. then the positive feelings it evokes will reflect in other areas of your life too ... I know because I was one of those perfectionist children who had to excel to feel good about myself.  If I couldn't get it straight away I didn't want to continue and fail. Being acknowledged for my efforts pushed me to succeed further. 

Yesterday, my son spent the day with me at work at the pottery.  He worked a longer day than the normal school day and he worked hard.  He hasn't shown interest in the pottery in a very long time .. but I kept him on task and learning new skills.  He used math, science and art throughout the day.  These lessons were incorporated into the teaching of the skill .. such as weighing out the raw materials to make glaze, reading the scales, calculating the ratio and percentages of materials, the technical aspect of setting a kiln and the conversion of cone to temperature.  He was filthy and exhausted by the end of the day .. but had thoroughly loved the experience.  He felt valuable.  He had made the new batch of glaze, unpacked kilns, unloaded molds, helped with shipping, etc.  He had been given an opportunity not only to experience valuable life skills, but had a better appreciation of how hard I work at my job to care for him. 

Career Days in the school system are usually once a year .. and as they get older .. sometimes they get a whole week.  I believe that once they reach the teen years that this should be incorporated as part of the regular weekly curriculum.  When I was in my early teens I was already working weekends as a receptionist for a Doctor in the city.  With the current economic climate there aren't even enough jobs available for adults, let alone for our children.  They do not have the same opportunities for weekend or summer jobs as we had. Fortunately I am of the understanding that our two government high schools offer vocational subjects .. but on Tuesday when I go to visit I will find out to what extent.  I hope that they are core elements of the curriculum and not just electives that become once a week subjects - which seems to have become the norm for the arts and any hands on experiential learning subjects.

I am blessed that I had a wonderful old fashioned education that was structured yet balanced and full ...  biology, math, language, literature, art, cooking, sewing, religion, history, geography, Spanish, French, civics, music, phys ed and latin.  I believe classes were shorter and more frequent so as we could experience more subjects from which to learn.  At least with so many subjects on the curriculum one was bound to find something at which they could do well and feel accomplished.

I am on the quest to find that balance for my child ... but added to that is the challenge of finding the right environment for a child with dyslexia.  It has been a very rocky, sob filled road that has wearied me to my soul and taken its toll on relationships.  BUT .. it is for my child .. so no matter what .. you plod on .. and you ask, you call, you cry, you try, you be persistent .. because one day that child will be a man .. and you will have given him a fair shot at surviving this thing called LIFE.

Wishing you a CPM filled weekend.
x sun aka The Weary Mum wannabe Wendy Bird

The Mattress Bank

Have you ever noticed that it seems to be the ones who have the least who are the most giving?

 Perhaps because we know what it feels like to be needy!  Empathy is the best teacher.

Yesterday, I had a few dollars left in my wallet and treated my son and I to some take out food .. I bring my lunch to work every day .. but lately that is a raw potato which I microwave at lunchtime and put a little cheese on top .. but we were out on the road after a doctor's visit and my raw potato was still another hour away.  It was a simple quick meal that cost less than $10 for both of us.  I felt indulgent.  .... especially as we walked past an older, possibly homeless, toothless gentleman on a bench who was obviously in a worst economic situation than we were. 

He asked for any change.  I had none going in .. so he said "perhaps on your way back" .. and I said certainly. 
Well, I had the exact amount for our lunch with no change left. ... but it didn't feel right to walk past him with our food and share nothing .. so I pulled out 4 quarters from my laundry money and gave it to him.  I told him that was my laundry money so to spend it wisely .. at which point we smiled at each other.
I have seen this man many times in my life and he always looked so harsh ... but that toothless smile made my day!

Sharing and generosity are ways to uplift your spirit and make you realize and appreciate that there is always someone needier than you.

When we returned to our car my son raised a valid question ... he wondered if we have a little bit of money .. and have a home and a car .. but owe money .. is the man that sits on the bench with no possessions ..but owing nothing better off than us? 
I have often wondered that question myself! Isn't that the principle behind negative and positive integers? 

How does one get to that point of debt and owing that comes with adulthood?  .. and why does it seem to be so cumulative?  My son and I have determined that the mattress bank is probably the best way to go these days! ...but don't bother looking under my mattress ..  the only thing left in the bank are the rest of the laundry quarters .... and they will be gone tomorrow judging from the size of the laundry hamper mountain.

Yesterday my CPM was sharing a few quarters with a needy homeless man.
Tonight my CPM is finding enough odds and ends in the fridge to feed three hungry teenage boys (two of them unexpected) ... and knowing there is still enough bits and bobs to perhaps make a decent breakfast for them (since they are now sleeping over .. again not planned or expected). 
A close friend once told me that she had described me as the kind of person that if I lived in a cardboard box and a friend needed a place to stay .. I would move over and make room for them.  I sure hope so!

I am fortunate that though the purse may only be chinking together laundry change or the fridge may appear frighteningly empty  .. there is still always enough to share with others.
The understanding and realization of the value of sharing and generosity is my CPM lesson for the day. 

Wishing you the opportunity to share when you think you are least able ... and to feel the reward in doing so.
Wishing you a CPM for this weekend.
:) Sun

Time to Quit?

How does one know when it is time to call it quits?  Usually when you are feeling that you want to quit - then that is not the time to make that decision.  However, the days that you are content with the way things are will not be the day you make that decision either. 

As a single mum that is self employed I always face this mountain as we head into the winter season when sales diminish and my arms don't seem long enough to make the ends meet.  It is times like these that I question if my decisions are the right one. 
Do I take the advice of caring loved ones who suggest I should get a stable job with a regular income? 
Being the free spirit that I am that would mean sacrificing a lifestyle, a long hard earned dream, the passion of being an artist.
The tough times are short lived ... but not everyone is understanding and the bills certainly don't get paid with smiles and hugs.
Would sacrificing this choice and working in a traditional job environment bring financial stability - perhaps, but again in these challenging times even those who had been in well paid and established jobs found themselves being made redundant ... so where is the security in that? At least by being self employed my job is secure as long as I can stay on top of the bills and keep my health. 
I have worked in traditional job settings for others - and the thought of going back to that kills my spirit!
(Not to mention wearing heels would hurt my feet - I love working in flip flops!)

So, am I being an irresponsible parent by pursuing my dream and doing something I enjoy .. something for me ... something creative .. even if it means life is at times a financial struggle? 
I don't think having financial security brings happiness ... but it sure helps ease the stress.

I don't have the answers to this one ... but at least I have the questions ... and I find myself asking the same ones every year at this time ... and then before you know it the season has started all over again and the busy rush has us longing for the quieter days of winter. 

How many years do I keep living in this cycle?

How do I know if it is time to quit and close this chapter of my life?

I waited until I got home to finish this entry ... and I am glad I did.

I needed to determine my Chocolate Pudding Moment for today to help me find a sense of appreciation at a time when I need it most.
My commute is just a matter of a minute by foot from my studio door to the marina in which I live. Meanwhile I know that most of the islanders are still sitting at their office desks or in the slow traffic commute home.

Tonight the water is flat calm and the pink sunset sky is giving the water a purplish tinge.  There is barely a puff of breeze ... it is still and all is quiet and soul soothing.

My son is not home at the moment so there are no questions of supper time or noise of tv or music.

Serenity finds me taking a deep involuntary exhalation and breathing out the concerns of the day.
This is my Chocolate Pudding Moment .... a moment of serenity and reflection.

I may not have the answers to all of my questions ... but at least I know that I have the fortune of options and opportunities. 

Is this the Time to Quit?  I don't know for sure .. but this I do know - Now is not the time to answer that question. 

Wishing you serenity for those challenging days when you question your choices and decisions and all you want to do is quit.

CPM and serenity to you.
sun